Sunday, 26 November 2017

Happiness is contagious - my new work environment

'Happiness is contagious'
The extra added perk each morning, as you step in the company premises, hot-hotter-hottest hunks and young-tiny-tall bombshells surround you..
..greet you with smile and are happy to see you, eager to rush into the lecture hall because they know, they are going to laugh and giggle, their motivation level is going to get pumped up and they are going to have a charged up day.
The magic of smile is known, when Cute suited booted HR managers are always around you, if you need something..
And above all when all the hotness, cuteness, sexiness, mannerisms, hospitality, etiquette and elitism are bound to respect and listen to you..
Happiness is contagious, basic rule of hospitality/entertainment/service industry - I like the most about my company, it makes my day happy!!

फैसला..

ये फैसला तेरा है अब,
खुद को पूरा का या मुझे अधूरा कर जा,
मुझे काफ़िर बना दे या मेरा खुदा बन जा
तू जब भी मिलेगा सजदा तेरे लबों का करेंगे
या थाम मुझे और सुकून देदे, या जीने की ही वजह बन जा,
यूँ न खफा हो, है फासले तेरे मेरे दरम्यान,
मुझसे वफ़ा नहीं तो मुझे बेवफ़ा कर जा..
खुद को पूरा कर या मुझे अधूरा कर जा..
अब न ज़िद होगी, न इंतज़ार तेरे आने का,
ना होगा मकसद किसी बहाने का,
तू किसी और को चाह कर भी ना पा सका
तू मेरा ना बन, मुझे मेरा कर जा..
खुद को पूरा कर या मुझे अधूरा कर जा..
बस चंद लम्हों में हट गए तेरे कदम
हाथ थाम कर बैठा था बेवजह शायद
अब थाम ही ले हाथों को,
या मुझे बेवज़ह कर जा,
खुदा बन मेरा या मुझे काफ़िर कर जा..
है फैसला तेरा, मुझे अधूरा या पूरा कर जा..
तेरी मुहोब्बत, तेरी बगावत, तेरी रंजिश, तेरी मंज़िल ही सही
मुझे हमसफ़र ना सही, मेरा सफ़र बन जा,
वापस आ और समेट बाहों में बिखरने से पहले
या सैलाब आने दे और मुझे पत्थर कर जा..
अधूरा, या पूरा, पर फैसला कर जा..

To giveaway whatever you have..

After long.. very long.. maybe because I have accepted.. Believe in Karma, Have faith in God, accept the pain you're going through.  be thankful that he chose you for the sufferings because he wants to see you somewhere.. you just keep making efforts, and don't quit fighting. it's okay not to be strong enough to face the situation when each moment and everything pushes you to the edge to quit and accept your defeat, find the ray of hope..  GIVEAWAY the kind of LOVE you want to others   becausee you understand the worth and need of love, support and the warmth of hug somebody needs when in pain since you have been there and gone through it.
The sufferings either make you a monster or make you human but the choice is yours because somewhere down the line you're the reason of your own miserable situations..
..and you will suffer till you seek dependence, somebody to come and lift you in arms, be your crutches.. 
meanwhile you're crippled and regretting for the loss giveaway the left over love, hope and strength you have in yourself and be empty..
Being empty is far more better than being lost. let go and let God.. You need not forgive and forget what you're going through, been through all you have to do is accept it positively as a part of your processing.
you're tortured, hammered, beaten, broken, crushed down to dust because the process is painful being into the furnace..
just imagine the first ray of light when you will cross the dark and lost alley, the feeling of being content, serene and relieved.. yes, you have to keep moving on.. and on.. and on.. because these kind of furnaces, dark alleys, purgatory would be countless in your way since your aim is to WIN.. over the world, over the foes, over the pain, over YOURSELF..
to conclude my vent of lazy sunday morning ranting I'd quote Shri Harivansh Rai Bachchan ji
वृक्ष हो बड़े घने
एक पत्र छाँव भी मांग मत
तू ना रुकेगा कभी
तू ना झुकेगा कभी
तू ना थकेगा कभी
कर शपथ कर शपथ कर शपथ
अग्निपथ अग्निपथ अग्निपथ..

The winters..

''This weather, chai, one shawl and you in the balcony.. '' Wish you were here,
I'd have shared
some sips of chai
Leaning in the balcony,
Giggling over your jokes
Sometimes, resting my head
On your shoulders
Or hiding in your warm shawl
Wish you were here
I'd have tasted your lips
For long
I'm craving for kiss
And that beautiful song
Wish you were here,
Holding me in your arms
Leading the way of romancing souls..
I'd have followed your steps
In this weather, chai, one shawl and you in the balcony..

करवट बदल कर पहले हमें थमेगा कौन

महज़ इस बात पे लड़े थे हम
की करवट बदल कर पहले थामे कौन
पलकों पर सूखी हुई नमी को न मैंने दिखाया
ना वो पलट कर कह सका के छोडो जाने दो
महज़ इस बात पे लड़े थे हम
की करवट बदल कर पहले थामे कौन..
चुप चाप रसोई में जा कर सुबह की चाय बना दी
बिना कुछ बोले तौलिया वहीँ रखा रोज़ की तरह
इससे पहले वो कुछ बोले मैंने मौक़ा ना दिया
बेतरतीब पड़ी फाइलों को समेट, कमीज का टूटा बटन टांक दिया
फिर भी उदास चेहरे पर ये उम्मीद थी
तिरछी आँखों से इंतज़ार था उसके हाथों का कमर पर
के मनाने के लिए थोड़ी जद्दोजहद होगी तो मान जाउंगी
अपनी बात ऊपर रख कर सब कुछ मनवाउंगी
चिट भी मेरी और पट भी मेरी का रिवाज़ तो उस दिन से था
सालों पहले चाय की प्याली सरकाते हुए
और सबकी नज़रे बचाते हुए धीमे से पुछा था मुझसे
"थोडा गुस्से वाला हूँ.. चलेगा?"
मैंने सर झुका कर भर दी थी हामी और कहा
" अगर थोड़ा नखरा मेरा भी हो तो चलेगा?"
और अब महज़ इस बात पे लड़ बैठे हम,
करवट बदल कर पहले थामेगा कौन..
..करवट बदल कर पहले हमें थमेगा कौन..

The man and the wife

I chose to be blind and good with my ears.
I have stopped being an espionage for his deeds and I shifted him from my first priority.
and I have firmly prepared my head to catch my heart the next time it breaks.
That's how I chose to be happy and made efforts towards it..
That's how he became a loyal man and I, a wife.

another Crisis

The most common statements I hear being into academics are "you have got nothing else to do" .."you hav no practical knowledge about the world" .."bookish" "Jobless" "Because you do 'nothing', you become fussy and frustrated, go join a gym or get some job" .."oversmart" Earlier I used to be demoralized and then father once told, "our surrounding is full of people who measure success by monetory terms, what position you are holding, which chair do you represent and how fat is your account, they have nothing to do with the numbers of book you read or how dedicated you are towards your chosen path. But then, it is your decision, do you really want to live among that class or have you dremt of a better life when you will break your cocoon?
Some things take patience and more than required time, when you feel that the world is settled but you are still in the middle of nowhere."
It somehow managed to convince me that he was right, he made his point.
but still the issue is we have to deal that majority, we cannot avoid it, Trust me I still do and I just end up ignoring those people as if they don't exist.
or maybe I chose to be Blind because I cannot keep on proving each Anti-Education person, the value of higher education. They will certify me as crazy as they say " jyada padhne se dimag kharab ho jata hai" :D
meanwhile dealing with the crisis another came up,
"What If I get a life partner who doesn't value the education the way I do, or his family too, It is like rotting in hell if he would think the way other's did, so far?" is the another big doubt I suffer.
There will be big conflict in the ideas and perspectives.
I am sure most of my age singles are dealing with this shit too and have no idea where it is going to be.lol.

Purpose of PhD

One of the toughest challenges for me would be the translation of my thesis into colloquial Hindi language and publish it, so that the students and people who learn English as a second language could get benefit in their pronunciation and removing the MTI. I want to make the book so simple by removing all technicalities so any layman can get hold, read and understand. I wish to avail it to the school students and government institutions working for the development of the skills and communication, free of cost. I wish to contribute my bit in the education and development of my society and the students. I don't want to be just another PhD degree holder serving an academic institution and retire when the age comes. That's my dream for now, I don't know, how would I be able to achieve it but I won't quit like I didn't in past 8 years.

नवम्बर में छुट्टी की दोपहर

उनके बालों में चांदी की तारें थी, लंबी सी नाक पर एक हल्का सा तिल, निचला होंठ मानो, खुद ही बहार झांकता हो, और बड़ी बड़ी भूरी आँखे।
चहरे पर कुछ दाग से थे, उनको एक टक लगा कर देखूं तो अटपटा से जाते थे, चहरे का रंग कुछ ज्यादा ही सांवला था और उनके सीने से मुझे कुछ ज्यादा ही प्यार था..
अंदर घुस के जैसे ही सोती, ठण्ड मानो गायब सी हो जाती, और मैं ऐसे उनकी बाहों में फिट हो जाती जैसे उन्ही के लिए बनी हूँ।
बिस्तर पर लेटे नहीं की भारी साँसे और खर्राटे शुरू, मुझे बाहों में यूँ कस लेते हैं की जरा सी तेज़ सांस लूँ तो नींद टूट जाए, सोच कर,मैं हिलती भी न थी..
मतलब सोचो, इंसान सोएगा कैसे गर इतनी ज़ोर खर्राटे कोई ले तो? फिर ज़रा सी करवट ली और भींच लिया और माथा, आँखे, नाक, होंठ, गाल चूम के फिर सो गए!
कभी कभी लगता है जैसे मैं कोई टेडी बेयर हूँ, और वो कोई पापा की लाड़ली प्रिंसेस, छोड़ते ही नहीं..
एक काँधे पर गाल लगाए और सीने पर हाथ रखे 20 मिनट हो गए थे बाबा राम देव के "आक्वार्ड आसान" की दम घोंटू मुद्रा में लेटे हुए, कान गर्म हो चुका था और उनका कन्धा भीग चुका था, बड़ी मुश्किल से मैंने अपनी टांग निकाली, तो वो हिल गए और नींद टूट गई।
क्या हुआ?
कुछ नही गर्मी लग रही है।
अच्छा, पानी दूँ, पंखा चलाऊँ, कुछ ठंडा पिओगी, अब ठीक है?
जी मैं ठीक हूँ
दो सेकंड रुक कर, पसीने में चिपकी मेरी लटों को कान के पीछे खोंस्ते हुए कबीर बोले, "गजब खूबसूरत हो यार, कौन सी चक्की का आटा खाती हो?"
मैंने मुंह पिचका के हाथ पर मारा, धत्त!
और उन्होंने हाथ पकड़ कर फिर खींच लिया..
छुट्टी की दोपहर कुछ ऐसी ही होती है..

Marriage is not beautiful

Marriage is ugly, you see the absolute worst in someone. You see them when they’re mad, sad, being stubborn, when they’re so unlovable they make you scream. But you also get to see them when they are laughing so hard that tears run down their face, and they can’t help but let out those weird gurgling noises. You see them at 3am when the world is asleep except you two, and you’re eating in the middle of the kitchen floor. You get to see the side of them that no one else does, and it’s not always pretty. Its snorting while laughing, its the tears when it feels like its all crashing down, its the farting, its the bedhead and bad breath, its the random dances, its the anger and the joy. Marriage isn’t a beautiful thing, but it is amazing. It’s knowing that someone loves you so much, and won’t leave you even though you said something nasty. It’s having someone have your back no matter what. Its fights over stupid things, like someone not doing the dishes or picking up after themselves. And it’s those nights you fall asleep in each others arms, feeling like there will never be enough time with them. It’s cleaning up their throw up, or just rubbing their back when they’re sick. It’s the dirtiest, hardest, most rewarding job there is. Because at the end of the day you get to crawl into bed with your best friend, the weirdest, most annoying, loving, goofy, perfect person that you know. Marriage is not beautiful, but it’s one heaven of a ride. 

You're an asshole

To those idiots who think dogs are "toys"
Please never tie your dog outside your place and abandon it for whole day.
Usually, people love and cuddle the puppies and leave them in couple of months as they begin to grow and become responsibility.
Puppies are not "living toys" they look cute because they're cheerful and playful.
But people should understand that unlike human babies, the dogs never grow to be a self dependent living being. They will always be a baby, if you don't train them, they will poop inside, chew off your sandals, tear off your clothes, sofas, beds, everything and anything.
Dogs are sensitive animals like horses. They are more prone to depression and they are well aware of human emotions. If you abandon them like this they will become dangerous and bite others.
Just giving them left overs and keeping them outside your homes "for protection" isn't the right thing, you're not only torturing the animal but also displaying the world that "how big jerk you're". Treat your dogs like the member of your family, not like a stuffed toy for your own babies or a gatekeeper of your threshold.
The simplest thing we can do, don't pet a dog just because you see a cute cuddly puppy playing with your feet, when you cannot take care of it like your own child.

Ever loved someone like this?

Ever loved someone so deeply that he/she meant the world to you. Your morning started and night ended with him. All you wanted to do is to take care of the person and dedicated yourself completely for his/her happiness and to fulfill each small and big demands..
..also for those things that you couldn't afford yet worked so hard and smart to be resourceful and fulfill that desire..
Ever loved someone so madly that you could destroy the world apart on a single drop of tears in his/her eyes?
You loved to sit, sleep, cuddle, laugh, demand, with him? You wanted to grow old loving him/her and submit your life in loving him/her.
The only peace you got was into his/her arms.. his/her existence in your life made you worth living..
Ever loved someone so truly that you could protect and made him/her the happiest person in the world, give everything he/she ever wanted??
Well, let the person be 'you' yourself and get whatever the hell you want in life.. ;)

..because you left me in the pain. (Part 1)

"You love to do mistakes, don't you?" Said he, looking deep into her eyes while she stood quiet with pink eyes and opened lips.
"What did I do, now?"
He opened the buttons of her shirt and she stood still "mistake, yet another mistake".
He stripped her body naked and she hid her bossom with her long brown hair " so, would you punish me now?"
"Yes, I will."
Swallowing her saliva, she asked again, "...but I want to know, what is my mistake?"
He could feel the heaviness in her respiration, he could feel the struggle of her lips to breathe, he could feel the hesitation she had to show her body, he could feel the pain in her soul and he could feel the anger inside her.
"Why are you so angry?"
"Because I hate you."
"...but why? Why do you hate me?"
"Don't you know?" A tear rolled down her cheek, tear of anger and pain, of complaints, asking millions of questions seeking only one answer.
"Yes, I know." Kabeer tried to wipe her tear  but she threw his hand away. "Don't touch me" said she, sobbing, blocked nose. "Just.. don't"
It was a natural reaction of a woman, when she's hurt, she hurts. "Stop crying"
"Why do you care, you never cared, never loved, all you needed me to obey you, the way you want, and when I don't do the things you want, you hurt me. Why? Just because I loved you?"
"You hurt me too, you said a lot of things that made scars on me, you made me cry too, I didn't say anything to you, I tried to make things up, I did, but you never got over what happened between us" and kabeer held her head and kept on her chest, she stood sobbing, complaining, and close to kabeer.
The destination of mayuri ends at kabeer's chest, she could never think beyond him, never tried, never could, never wanted to. All she ever wanted was his touch, his presence, his smile and her name in his voice.
She felt peace, serene, and she grabbed kabeer as if she is not going to leave him ever, and the peace on kabeer's eyes was visible when he kept quiet, controlling his tears and the longing of years, the crave of every night and morning to touch her and make her sleep on his chest, her fights, her demands, and her face, to hold her face in his palms.
Her tiny round face, and big eyes, when she cries, her nose gets blocked and it troubles her the most, she forgets the issue of fights and all her melodramatic moment and deals with her blocked nose, which is kind of relief to kabeer, for a while but yes, her blocked nose is another big trouble, which she hates the most.
She's never going to grow up, and he never understood why did she love him so much. She never asked anything from him, was always happy in whatever he provided with but the only issue she had was - she could not get enough of him.
Mayuri calmed down and kept kabeer held tight, she was naked and kabeer was wearing all his clothes, he loved to see her naked, he had no idea why did he loved watching her naked body.
He could wait for hours without touching her in the same room but he juat wanted her to be naked, as if he wanted to capture her each mole in his eyes. He was obsessed to see her expressions on her face, her crave, her glittering wetness, and her uncomfortable face when he strips her in light, mayuri never liked making love in light, she hated it and she was never free in light and this awkwardness is loved by kabeer.
Mayuri tried to hide her body, her curves, with pillow, sometimes bedsheet, sometimes her long hair, but kabeer snatched all her clothes away and made her sit on the bed.
He went away from her and sat on the chair in front of her. She did not look into his eyes

देखो न..

देखो न, कुछ टूट सा गया है..
मेरा ख्याल भी, तुम्हारा दिन भर तंग करने का तरीका भी और वो गुलदस्ता जो चांदनी चौक में कुल्फी खाते वक़्त एक नज़र में भा गया था, और तुमने कनखियों से देख लिया था मुझे निहारते हुए, फिर बिना बोले कुछ, खरीद लिया, और मैंने भी कुछ ना बोला, रख लिया..
देखो ना, कुछ टूट गया है..
ठण्ड में अपने जैकेट में मेरे हाथ घुस लेने का तुम्हारा अंदाज़, ठंडी नाक देख कर झट सीने में घुसा लेने की आदत, फूक मार मार कर चाय पिलाने वाली बात और जनपथ की गलियों में पीठ पर लगाते हुए स्वेटर नापने की आदत..
देखो ना, यह चूड़ी भी चटक गई है,
अक्षरधाम के पुल पर गाडी रोक कर जो तुमने छल्ली और अमरुद खिलाए थे, छोटी सी लड़की जो चूड़ियां लेके आई थी, मोल भाव करके, तुमने मुझे पहनाई थी और फिर खुद ही दोनों हाथ पकड़ कर छनक देते थे, प्यार करते वक़्त, दोनों कलाइयों को भींच देते थे, कभी दोनों हथेलियों को पकड़ कर गालों पर चूम लेते थे..
देखो ना, कुछ टूट गया है,
तुम्हारा और मेरा साथ..

कुत्ती तलब

यह चाह बड़ी कुत्ती है, वही चाहिए जिससे मुहोब्बत है
फिर क्या मालूम कितनी हुस्न परियाँ बदन से हो के निकल जाए, कितने राजकुमार पलके पॉँव के नीचे बिछा दे, रूह को तो कमबख्त एक ही ने छुआ था, और एक ही के सीने में छुप के सुकून मिला था, उसके बाद तो लोग महज़ दिल बहलाने और ज़रूरतें मिटाने का सामान बन गए।
उसमे कुछ पसंद नही था लेकिन जो था वह थोडा थोडा जहाँ से जैसा, जितना मिल जाए समेटने की कोशिश कर उसके खालीपन को पूरा करने की फ़क़त कोशिश होती है, फिर भी तलब पूरी नहीं होती..
दरबदर, ढ़ूढ़ते हुए आदत पड़ जाती है तलब के साथ जीने की और फिर, देर सवेर वो रूह-छुआ मिल भी जाए, क्या फ़ायदा, अब तो उस बिन जीना आ गया..
कुत्ती सी चाह है यह, तलब

तुझे बहकना होगा

उसकी गर्दन से चिपकी लट को छुड़ाया हमने,
पेशानी से टपकती खारी बूँद को चुराया हमने,
फिर मुझे सोच में सिमटना होगा,
वो ख्वाब है, उसमे बहकना होगा..
मैं रेशम सी सिलवटें कुछ उसपर बना दूँ,
उसके कंगन में उलझे धागे हटा दूँ,
गर्म साँसों से अपनी जो उनको भिगाया हमने,
सिरहन से उनके रोम को उभरना होगा,
वो ख्वाब है, उनमे बहकना होगा..
दाँतों से कतर देती है उँगलियाँ अपनी,
होंठो से खींच लेती है परतें कितनी,
बिखरा के बालों को, फिर यूँ ही बाँध लेती हैं
कई बार खुद को बालों सा बिखराया हमने,
पेशानी से टपकती बूँद को चुराया हमने,
फिर तुझेे सोच में सिमटना होगा,
तू ख़्वाब बन, मुझे बहकना होगा...
- हिमाद्रि

Shine like the sun and give a fuck to thoze who become blind.

"Success" seven letters word with various interpretations on different horizons.
No matter how highly qualified you're into academics, you mean nothing among the bulls of corporate world who hold years of experiences and mint money like sluts.
No matter how much money you mint, what lifestyle you follow or in what fashion you're worshipped into the corporate world; you're just another asshole if you cannot stand, speak, write, behave or use correct punctuations among the educated scholars, literary pundits, and the intellectual breeds.
You're just another nonexisting insect among the politicians and socialites if you're a layman with no powerful contacts and connection among the Richie Riches of the society.
And you're just another loser if you have all the riches of the world, degrees of education, contacts in and out the corporate, and academic pundits as your servants but nobody to call family and friends.
You're a failure in one or other way to them, your success may mean nothing to somebody, your 'god complex' may not exist for someone not of your field..
Success, is like a prostitute, cannot be owned by anyone, abandoned by some or other, desired by all, cursed by those who cannot get hold, abused by those who are ruined by it, and nobody's loyal.
Depends upon you, you want to be successful, to whom, by what, how, or when..
All you have to do is not to be afraid, not to be dim, burn it up, shine like the sun and don't give a damn to those who get blind by looking at you.

Thank you for international women's day.

Oh! Thank you society for reminding us we are special and respected. We're strong and independent. We're not a flesh for your momentary pleasure. We're not just another fragile and poor living being surviving for our existence..
Thank you, all of a sudden for making us a mother, a daughter, a wife, a lover, a sister and and a friend, For making us realize that we are the multidimensional, multitasking, dynamic personalities and you're thankful to us goe being a part of social growth.
Thank you for not calling the derogatory words today, for announcing us bitches by instinct and not considering us 'the same' in all aspects.
Thank you for not raping us today,for not leaving bottles in our wombs, for not mutilating our bodies, for not throwing acids on us, for not beating us for delivering a girl child or for simply being outspoken.
Thank you dear society for letting us know that we're 'equal' and for not calling us bloody feminist if we talk about equality. For understanding the rejections and respecting our will.
Thank you for giving us discounts, reservation, special events, and entire coach in metro. For a safe travel in buses and not rubbing yourself on our back or shoulders.
Thank you for not demanding anything to guide us professionally or academically, for not defaming us on achieving success. For not associating absurdly with a colleague if we behave strong headed and bold, for not rebuking us on going out in Cold.
Thank you society, for everything you have given to us, or for everything you have not given to us, Thank you for making us realize that we are humans too and we have right to breathe freely among others.
Thank you for taking out one day and painting the surrounding pink.

हक़ीक़त हूँ मैं

कुछ अच्छा लिखो तो हम पढ़ें भी,
यूँ ही कलम टटोलते रहते हो जैसे मेरी पीठ पर उंगलियो से लिख रहे हो।
कुछ अच्छा कहो तो हम सुने भी,
यूँ ही बुदबुदाते रहते हो जैसे सीने से लगा कर कानों में कुछ कह रहे हो।
ऐसे थोड़े ही होता है, कुछ अच्छा सा सुना दो,
हर वक़्त क्या एक ही ग़ज़ल गुनगुनाते हो की मैं हंस दूँ।
हटो, छोडो मुझे, ज़रा मुझसे बहार आओ
हकीकत हूँ मैं, तुम्हारा ख़याल नहीं...

No more Panchayats?

We have grown studying Panchayats in Civics and social studies but What has happened to the grassroots government, the way the budget is getting cut every year of panchayati Raj,it's a big question on its future.
Within last year, the budget has cut down from 7000 crores to 96 crores and reportedly the panchayati raj minister isn't making any efforts despite of heading the rural development Ministry.
India isn't about the metro cities, it's not the backbone.
I can clearly see the crippled situation of bleak future here, since in early 90s as I remember the amendment mandated a 3 tier structural panchayats I.e. village,block,district.
Why has there not been any efforts to rescue the "'Panchayati Raj Ministry ' from dissolving?
As far as my civic knowledge among other major target areas the basic functionality of the Ministry falls under the latest amendments.
To fund research studies, workshops, and seminars for development of Panchayats.
To secure the respective areas strong with pris economic growth and social justice.
Even if we see the Rashtriya Gram Swaraj Abhiyan of the Ministry of finance which has somehow managed to secure 650+crore fund for changing name from RGPSA (राजीव गांधी पंचायत सशक्तिकरण अभियान), there are 58 thousand gram panchayats across entire India without permanent office facilities.
Well, the fact is panchayati raj is starving to death, I hope government has plans for it, turning entire Ministry into just a department is actually going down to the roots and changing the entire system.
Good, bad, ugly, well, India is not metro cities only!!!

Interesting kanthapura

Loved reading Kanthapura.This novel is a complete mixture of Religion,Mythology and History. What I personally liked the most that in this novel, the grand harikathas finely blend politics with religious and mythology. The fights between mahatma and british draws the picture of the fight between Rama and Ravana, between the forces of good and evil like Krishna against the Kalia or Kansa, Prahlad against his own father, Harishchandra against the Asuras, Besides, the mahatma is Mohan (Krishna) slaying the serpent of foreign rule. Again Gandhi is compared to Rama as well as Shiva, Motherland is compared to Sita and the british Government is compared to Ravana.
Shankara is a "veritable dharmraj" and swaraj is compared to the three eyed shiva. As a gandhian economic programme Moorthy distributes chakras among the village women and inspires them to spin chakras and weave cloth. He asks people to boycott foreign goods
"the money that goes to red man, will stay within your country and the mother can feed the foodless and the milkless and the clothless."
Advocates Shankara wears Khadi and appeals to others to do so.

Sometimes, you have to die.

Going weak in your knees and bending down is perfectly okay. But wrong is breaking in front of someone who doesn't value your broken parts.
You beg,borrow, and do every Best possible thing, wanting the person to fix you. You know, he wouldn't, you know when you shatter again and again in front of him just to seek that fix that takes your pain away, the person breaks you more...
It happens, the more you cry in front of someone, the more he judges you to be weak. It's just that you have the world around you but you want this particular person to fix the broken pieces of you..
You so wanted him to love you.. see your wounds, heal you and then he mocked your pain, called you melodramatic , a lover of sadness and pain, makes you feel sicker about you being broken.. and then he leaves.
You die.
That pain. That suffering, that rediscovering and that purgatory is something that touches deepest of your emotions,take them out, you end yourself, you kill, you destroy.
You have to go through it because you're broken and in the struggle of survival you held the wrong log of the wood. You sought healing from a wrong person who isn't your fix.
You'll get over, you will be okay, you will be awesome again, but for this burn in the furnace to become the purest gold.
You'll be the strongest but for that you have to die, once.

Be the strength

Life is like a woman in labour room.  She goes through pain while the husband standing by her side in her struggle, is her biggest strength. Similarly, You struggle together when the person you love is struggling through something he wants. Dealing with pain, when he loses hopes and you keep him positive. Sometimes you break too, sometimes you feel like quitting but you can't because the pledge you made to your heart convinced your mind that whatever decisions he takes, no matter how much pain he goes through, you're going to stand by all his decisions.
And with each and every failure he faces, with all his fears, doubts, uncertainties, and loss of hopes , he makes you go through the same pain because you're holding his hands.
You knew what you're signing up for. Keeping yourself positive to keep his strength alive is double responsibility.
When the people you love goes through illness, physical pain and health issues or they just take life changing decisions,all you could do is to stand by and believe them, their strength more than they do.
I know personally, you get nothing to be somebody's strength, to stand by someone's hardships.
Sometimes, they leave you behind after winning.
You keep standing on the same place and they move ahead, forgetting your thank less invisible contribution
In the get through of their struggle.
Lucky you're, if you have someone who stands by you and be your strength and blessed you're if you have the courage of being somebody's strength.

What I desire

What I desire, to escape somewhere,
Somewhere - nobody knows me.
I can be raw, free and nobody to chase me.
What I desire, to escape somehow,
With basic minimal needs
Food, a roof, and a dog to gaze me.
What I desire, to be nobody,
With green valleys and mountains around,
Befuddling, dizzy the mist to haze me.
What I desire, to be untrammeled
By mind, by soul, by world, by you all,
Rugged, uncouth serenity to blaze me.
- Himadri Baruah

गोया, इश्क़ सीखा कर गया

ना उसने कभी अपनी गलती मानी, ना मैंने कभी उसे माफ़ किया.
गोया, ऐसा इश्क़ सिखा कर गया कि ना फिर किसी से कर पाई, ना किसी को करीब आने दिया।
झूठ क्या बोलना, और किससे छिपाना?
जैसी मेरी ज़िन्दगी रही वैसी हर किसी की है, हर कोई इश्क़ करता है, मरता है, जीता है, टूट जाता है और फिर इश्क़ कर लेता है..
खैर, उसको समझ नहीं आएगा, समझ आता तो जाता ही क्यों?
देख कर यह अच्छा लगता है कि मैंने उसे शायर बना दिया.. हा हा हा.. ना जाने कितनी लड़कियाँ अब उसकी शायरी पर हाय करती हैं और मैं देख कर मुस्कुरा देती हूँ, "वजूद नहीं है इसका कोई, खोखली है, तुम्हारी तरह"
चीख़ती, खाली बंध कमरे में दौड़ती हुई, छटपटाती, खीज से भरी झुँझुलाती याद.. कभी 2 मिनट में आती थी, फिर 2 घंटे, फ़ॉर 24 - 24 कर के 3-4 दिन में एक भूला भटका ख़्याल आ जाता है..
जैसे दिवाली आ रही है, उसके ऑफिस से आए सारे चॉकलेट और फ्रूटी के डब्बे मुझे टरका कर दिवाली मना लेता था..
या यूँ ही फ़ोन कर के कभी किसी ग़ज़ल का मतलब समझा देता था, बिना पूछे की मुझे सुनना है भी की नहीं..
वो बोलता रहता, मैं सो जाती, कब फ़ोन काट जाता.. पतानहीं बस हाथ में रहता सुबह तक..
(ये सब प्यार थोड़े ही था, होता तो इतने जख़्म थोड़े ही न होते।
दाग नहीं है कि दिखा दूं, हाँ याद ज़रूर हैं.. कड़वी वाली)
मैं रुक गई, वक़्त नहीं रुका, वो नहीं रुका..
अब मुझे प्यार नहीं होता, मुझे वैसा प्यार नहीं होता, "पहले प्यार जैसा","एक तरफ़ा प्यार जैसा"
उसने क्या खोया, उसको कभी समझ ही नहीं आएगा
मैंने क्या खोया?
खुद को ढूँढना बड़ा मुश्किल होता है..

बंगला साहिब

करीब 10 साल बाद आज मैं फिर से बंगला साहिब जी गई।
जगह वैसी ही है, और सुकून भी..
कुछ यादें, फिर मैंने संजो ली..

साथ सा..

तुम लिखते रहो,मैं मिटाती रहूंगी
शब्द सा, याद सा, अनकहा कुछ
तुम कहते रहो, मैं छुपाती रहूंगी
वो कुछ मेरे जज़्बात सा
मैं तो वही थी,
पिघल जाती जो तेरी तर्जनी की छुअन से
ओस सा, भाप सा, भीगी बरसात सा..
तुम हो, न हो, हो भी, नही भी
हैं कुछ मेरे साथ, तुम्हारे साथ सा, पास सा..

Why i couldn't be a columnist

Happy with my writing a gentleman just asked me, "Himadri. Why don't u make a regular career as a freelance columnist or even a specialist film critic....."
Sir, because nobody wants to hire me and pay for it.
They reject me saying..
I'm over qualified, un-affordable, underage, I don't have a cat, I don't live in the Himalayas, I've accented English,I don't"catch up for couple of drinks" and discuss work, I've a dog and I kept her name Gucci, because I follow krk on Twitter, I can't type in any language other than English, and farooq abdullah thinks pok has fathers, whosoever.. and I like when momota didi speaks hindi, I have less experience in office politics or sometimes because roses are red and violets are blue and बागों में बहार है मैडम?
and they end up saying "We'll get back to you"
Even Anuska sharma and Virat Kohli are back, but the HR doesn't come back to you.
hence, sir, I couldn't be something you suggested..

हम नहीं हैं..

हम नहीं हैं अब भी मुस्कुराते हो?
उन अजीब शक्लों पर, अल्हड़ आवाज़ों पर
जो यूँ ही बनाती थी मैं तुम्हें हँसाने को
रोज़ सुबह उठाने को..
हम नहीं हैं, अब भी मुस्कुराते हो?
किचन से भुने पनीर के गायब होने पर
जो यूँ चुरा लेती थी और खाने को
तुम्हे चिढ़ाने को..
हम नहीं हैं, अब भी चिल्लाते हो?
हर छोटी बात पर, दिन या रात पर
जो मुझे रुला देते थे डराने को,
फिर चुप कराने को..
देखती हूँ तुमको, तुम अब भी वही हो
भर गई है मेरी कमी, है नज़र तुम्हारी ज़माने पर
जो चिढा देती है, रोने-हँसाने को
तुम्हे रूसा कर मनाने को..

More of you..

"Broccolis.. more?" he asked.
"yeah.. and take out those jalapeños", said I seeking some pamper.
"We have similar tastes." he smiled and served me the dish he made.
"Can I eat with hands..?" I asked if he wouldn't mind.
"should I hand feed you?" he took the plate in hands and offered me some love
I opened my mouth and felt like a child,"This is spicy" I frowned.
"No it's not, you don't eat spices" he tasted the food and said.
I grinned,"Now it's good" and he laughed "you don't stop being filmy, do you?"
"nope" I nodded. "Can I keep this shirt.. it smells of you, us, and sex" I asked buttoning his shirt on me.
"yes" he fed me more..
chewing the food I kept talking like a bad mannered girl, dripping the sauce on his shirt and wiping my mouth with the sleeves of his big shirt.
"do you want some more?" he asked.
"of you?" I looked into his eyes and smiled.
he kept the plate aside and made me sit on the kitchen slab "I can't get enough of you,What is it that I crave a lot, of your taste, your touch, your skin?"
"It's your love. Because I love you" I kissed his eyes.
"I love you more, than you, more" he said.
"because the happier you're, the more complete I feel, the more satisfied you're, the more successful I become, the more you demand the more I love to deliver, the more.."
"you talk to much, I want more of you" I unbuttoned his denim and pulled him closer.
"Yes ma'am" he said.

I feel you, changing

I feel you changing
or It's just my insecurities talking.
I've met many on the path
who loved, laughed and kept walking
after they're done, after they've won
I feel you changing
or It's just the fear of losing you.
they taught me it's okay to leave
after you trust, investments you do.
I feel the change, in you..

If you leave, you will leave me with nothing.

"If you leave, you'll leave me with nothing" he said and kissed her to stop.
She ran fingers in his hair in the mansuetude of care,  the way she used to cuddle him and make him sleep on her breasts, said nothing.
There's an unexplained crave and desire you feel for someone,when you think of the person all you can imagine that one moment which binds you... maybe that soul locking kiss. When lips are locked with no air between all you could taste the cold saliva and the soft tongue.
"I can't stop thinking, your kisses.. I so miss kissing you" he said grabbing her face between his flat palms.
She said nothing..
"Speak something" he pressed his palms hard and her lips glanced out like pouting baby.
"You never said you love me and wish to spend your life with me.." She said, softly, looking down at her feet.
"I'm a man" he lifted her face and made her look into her eyes. "I can't express the way you want" he explained. "I don't know how do you want me to say it, I act, I do, I just don't have words" he wished he could, anyhow make her feel the pain he is feeling while speaking this all.
"I express my love when I touch you. I kiss you everywhere.I feel your love when you melt down with the pain I give you. I feel our relationship when you scream my name in pleasure" He grabbed her arms and felt the same love running into his nerves.
"This is all physical.. you don't say it" she said, demand to be loosened up.
"Can you explain your desire to release myself deep inside you?" He asked.
She said nothing.. then said "No"
"When you go numb, when you're asleep in my arms with those heavy breathing, our legs like mating snakes, when you feel me inside you and you hold me tight when I am no more in control of my muscles for thirty seconds and more.. when those tears roll down your eyes when you're in pleasure, that is my love, love." he said it all.
"I'm a man, I don't say it, I do" he didn't know what else to say..
"If you leave, you'll leave me with nothing."

बेतुका

ज़िन्दगी क्या है?
एक सवाल बेतुका सा..
बीता साल था एक
ख़्याल बेतुका सा..
खुद ही चाहा, ना मिला,
रूठ गए..
फिर मना लिया ख़ुद को
दे बहाना बेतुका सा..
जिंदगी क्या है?
सवाल बेतुका सा..
कोशिश नाक़ाम करता है वह
दूर जा कर पास आने की,
खोया हमें, पाया तो क्या
फिर यह मलाल क्या है
बेतुका सा, ज़िन्दगी क्या है?
सवाल बेतुका सा..
खोखली गली में थी
अंधेरे आवाज़ गुमशुदा
चीख़ता ज़हन भी था
था यार वो ग़मज़दा
था अलग पर एक साथ
वो रास्ता बेतुका..
ज़िन्दगी है क्या?

Little dilemma called people.



“Here is the thing buddy, sometimes you gotta hear the brutal reality..
Nobody cares how famous you are, nobody really gives a damn about what your achievements and awards are, how rich you are or what position do you hold..
 The only thing that matters how you behave and respond to people and what benefits you can provide with your money, fame and achievements.
 
While you are enjoying this little dilemma  of ‘people’ they might be silently laughing at you..”

Sunday, 12 November 2017

I lied


 I lied to him, probably the first time in my life that I love someone else.
So that he could quit all his hopes, move on and live a free away from my memories..
..or maybe I because I felt I'm sinking when I met him after years.
I felt the pain I've gone through for so long.
I felt like something is drowning inside me when he was sitting in front of me and smiling.
He wanted to get it all back what he left a long time ago but it cannot just happen.
Time changes people, I was changed, I stopped loving, I couldn't love anymore- anyone, not even him, when he tried coming back.
I lied to him that I'm in love with someone.
How can I love someone else when I have lost the feeling of love?
When I don't love myself anymore..
I just wanted to be free, from his Memories.
I couldn't think of any other way..
So, I lied.