Thursday, 30 June 2016

I failed, I quit, I failed quitting too.

Set backs and failures are the major motivations in life.Some are so painful that don't kill maybe that's why they make me strong, immune and a reason to fight with myself.
Sometimes, even if, I have the focused goals, other things fall apart.
It's hard to hold all the balls together in the arms and run, somehow, anyhow they fall. I collect and they fall again. For some mediocre, like I am, not born with silver spoon, travelled in crowded groping buses to college and every morning, finishing up and then going to work, coming back and taking care of parents being only child has never been easy.Petty things like, Losing friends due to denial of every single invitation of a party or not meeting the expectation of parents had been a part of the daily life.
I wonder, why did I not choose to get married at the age of early 20s and get 'settled' like most of my female friends did and I can see them having beautiful carefree life ahead.
Thousands of dreams every year, I could see dying every end of the year and I kept smiling with a hope of dreaming again, something new. It doesn't need words to explain how much it hurts when you really wanted to do something and could not do it despite of being capable and having all resources, just because you are morally bound to obey the orders and the meet the expectations of others.
Which is not bad, we all deal with our shits, I deal with my fair share too. There is nobody to blame, I could have been a rebel and go against the world to achieve something bigger that what little I have collected so far, but neither did I have the support to be a rebel nor did the circumstances show signs.
I am not among those 1 out of 10 girls who has gotten all special privilege to be a rock star and then became a rock star, my parents raised me well within their strength, or maybe I never demanded anything, could never, wanted to, of course, but never did.
I am not sad, nor I am satisfied and made my peace with circumstances, never, I don't compromise.
The major challenge of walking alone without guidance you get late. You reach, because you didn't quit walking but when you reach there, you see a crowd whining at you.
Sometimes, I wish I had an elder brother who could do magic and everything would have been a fairytale. He could beat the shit out of those leeches, with whom I dealt alone because it's impossible to tell your parents the story of 'how I beat the man who touched me in the bus', after all, no matter how liberal ideology you follow, you're rooted to be a woman, which of course you are, and this is not an excuse to be more demanding in the society.
I wish, genital difference would have never affected my life but the naked reality, it has affected me in all worst possible way, yet I have never taken privilege of being woman, say it be a seat in metro but I don't feel sorry about it.
The most innocent woman on this earth I have seen so far is my mother. My little home, three of us, her plants and pets mean world to her. She is a superwoman with a magic wand, without her, well, we cannot survive even a day. Trust me, Internet ideas doesn't help when it comes to thank a mother.
When I fail, I see her and the only motivation screams within me is "Do for her" because she has done every possible thing beyond her strength for be and I feel like I have done nothing for her. Sometimes, I doubt myself, ' would I be able to do anything for her?'
Set backs pinch you a lot, when you see all your efforts and time wasted and you are to restart from zero. It is never that I never failed and did not think of quitting, I tried quitting and failed in that too!! LOL
The more I hear the problems of people the more I feel blessed that almighty has blessed me with a will power to deal with my problems, and that's all I pray. I know I am going to be very late to achieve what I have desired and the only life line I have is the keep walking with patience. I do not expect a wizard in my life or a guardian angel who would stand by me to cushion me whenever I fall, especially without filthy desires. Kalam sahab once said,"Don't take rest after your first victory because if you fail in second, more lips are waiting to say that your first victory was just luck." that's why I chose to fail multiple times.
Writing is first person is never easy, people judge you,but people with judge you any-which-way possible.
people consider me heartless and true that, I have become heartless in past years because my heart wants me to settle down with least and quit struggling, which is not me. 
To conclude my ranting, If today I am dealing with another set back in my life and all my efforts go waste, I will not quit (like I said, I failed in quitting too) not because I have people to answer who are holding expectations with me but for the reason I wish to have purpose in my life to hold on to.
I am among those crores of average women who are not only thanklessly living for their families being a daughter but also doing a bit for the society.
Like I said to one of my dearest friends today,'' woman, you can give birth to a child from your vagina and you think you are weak?'' Although, she laughed, yet I meant it. Deal with it, get over it, live it, it's life, it's a woman and it will bleed and have PMS, why to be sorry about it? why to be sorry for being woman?
I am a single woman, I live a hardcore single life without a man, I am a daughter, I never quit studying, I work, I earn money, I have spent so far of my life to meet my parents expectations and failed many times, I win, I achieve, and I keep walking with a high head. So should you, do not be adamant and never get demotivated by the set backs of your life or the people you fail to keep with yourself, rather take it as an opportunity to get another gps track to reach your destination. Let go and Let God.

Like they Say, better late than never!






2 comments:

  1. So true Himadri. More power to your pen and our vaginas. May we respect it more than we do .

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    1. Hahaha woman! You made me burst into laughter!!

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