Saturday, 20 December 2014

2014, In Nutshell

2014, I have lost everybody for speaking truth as it is, I have lost everyone for seeking truth, some questions must be left unanswered, some deeds must be kept hidden..
In 2014, I have lost myself after discovering the truth of my life and my people..

Nobody can see you naked, neither do we can stand naked in the society, clothes to cover up the nature's truth..
It was nobody's mistake, I am hypocrite, I couldn't take the truth when I dug deeper to unearth trust, beliefs, reality, promises, commitments, religion, body mind and soul, relationship and human being. .
The ugliest figures I have seen is of truth, and now nothing seems ugly in comparison.. everything is beautiful now.. because I know what am I looking at and whom am I talking to and what I shall be getting..
Ergo, Don't grow up more than your age, curiosity kills the cat, ignorance is bliss, it's not important to know all the answers and all unlock all the mysteries, don't play with nature's hidden secret, whatever the almighty has created and howsoever he runs is perfect, surrender and don't challenge him.. nothing is as pleasurable as being an dumbfuck brainless asshole..
Being idiot is a blessing in life.. 2014, hats off to you..
You taught me the best lessons and chose the best teachers..

Every end is a new beginning to go through a journey and reach it's end.. 

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Life's a battlefield

I mocked myself in the mirror," so, who was it? This time what did he call himself by?"
"My Shadow Self.." I said,  anguished eyes gave a tearing look into my reflection inside the mirror, who was smiling.. rather mocking me..
"interesting.. I hope, you did not fall in love with him again" said she, the mirrored me.
"I did, I did love him, again, I told him prior.. " look, you're the last person I am trusting in this life, never leave.."
"Ha..ha.. and holding your hands back he must have said, I love you, very convincingly, like the primitive vultures who ripped flesh out of the bones of your soul?"
"Yes".... and I had nothing to say..
A deep silence between us both in the room, raped by the ticking of clock..

A long sigh broke the ice " anyways.. I am now immune to it, not a bit hurt rather free by decision I took"

"Ah.. okay.. so.. why these thoughts, even once in while"

"Well because, I have questions to be answered, because I want to look deep into his eyes and see if the karma really exists, how he gonna accept the fact that this was a betrayal too? Leaving me in lurch, taking the leftovers I had, kept me standing naked in the middle of the road, unanswered to the public.. who am i? Why am I standing naked here? On the road which leads to nowhere..

I can see, those previous rapist of my soul standing in the public, shouting " where is the confidence lady? Where is your protector? Where is your Godfather?"

Unanswered.. still standing head straight, and screaming inside my head "I am betrayed again by a man, he wasn't my lover, he was my... ah.. I can't name it"..

"Shadow self"? Said my reflection..
How is he supposed to have a shadow when he never existed?
But.. I believed, he did, he held my hands, we laughed and dreamt of being together forever, i was like a daughter, he said, he loved me and said to be there..  I'm.. but.. "

"Your trust is raped again sweetheart.. now get ready, you're getting late for your customers" said my reflection..

I wore the best of my smile and the most seductive attitude, blushed my cheek bones with charming red and made my eyes look slutty..
I was all ready for men because now I have seen all of their masks, of lover, of friend, of father, of brother, of Guardian, of pathfinder, of companion, of being the soul and the soulmate..

I am just waiting in this dark lane of infamous brothel because someday he will cross by, dressed up like a saint, and I will tell him," the little girl you found on the roadside, threw away by her rapist - bruised and wounded, bleeding and broken; recovered and healed By you, is the queen of this dark alleyway, and you're nothing less than those Monsters who took away her innocence, you're the same, ugly and disgusting and I hate you."

Just an another experience of my life who taught me, doesn't matter, in what avatar they come, they shall be the predators and this combat shall never end dear shadow self, the game has just begun.. and I shall not play to win but to see, to what extent you lose your humanity to win..

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

कोई बेसबब होता तो क्या बात थी"

कोई बेसबब होता तो क्या बात थी"
तू कुछ अलग होता तो क्या बात थी
बे-माना बे-मतलब होता तो क्या बात थी
हम तो आए तेरी बाँहों में,
की मौका-परास्त है ये क़ातिल दुनिया,
तू सबसे छुपा कर क़त्ल ना करता तो क्या बात थी
तू बे-मतलब होता तो क्या बात थी..

हम भी मुस्कुरा दिए खुदा तेरी बिसात पर
कोई चाल तू नई चलता तो क्या बात थी..
दर्द दे दे कर, इस दिल को किया बे-दर्द,
बस एक जिस्म भी मर्द सा देता तो क्या बात थी..
मैं क्या जवाब दूं तेरे इज़्हार-ए-मुहोब्बत का?
इक़रार-ए-मुहोब्बत का रास्ता है दिल से लबों तक,
लहू-लुहान ना करते जुबाँ को ये नासूर तो क्या बात थी,
बस एक तू ना होता मेरे कातिलों की फेहरिस्त में शामिल
और होता तो होता सीने पर तेरा वार,
तो क्या बात थी.. तो क्या बात थी..

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Tu hai to I'll be alright..

All you need 1 person as the reason to live your life when you reach above these materialistic things.. You want to fall in love - love that might mean since 8am to 10pm at you might don't see each other but at 11 pm tou want that person to be yours, you want to surrender in his/her arms because whole day you've conquered the world, your expectations got defeated many times, your feelings are bruised and you are exhaused.. that person knows what is your fix, what is your cure.. what is your soul.. when you go back home, in his/her arms or just over the phone call you get your soul back..

.. your day cannot be completed without this person.
That one person, is always the reason to live, fight, and win the world.. the one who makes you complete.. you may give any name to the relationship but still you know.. you're naked.. completely naked in front of the person.. you don't have to hide anything, you don't have to use your brains to say or answer anything..

You're the most vulnerable human being having all materialistic charms and arms if you have 3000 contacts yet nobody to dial afyer 11 pm at night..

If you have this 'soulmate' irrespective of gender, age, distance, boundaries of relationship, profession, language, social status, trust me you're lucky..

And if you're also the fix of same volume to the person, you're the luckiest who got something we call 'true love' :)

Signing off
Himadri Barua

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

kinds of people on grooming

Ordinary man = all he needs is 1 soap to bath, either washes hair and body with dove or uses lifebuoy soap for past 35 years, everywhere.

Ordinary woman = doesn't wax because it increases the growth and has own logic to all becauses.

Metrosexual man = knows the difference between conditioners and masks, has all toiletries with 'for men' mark, shaves off well. Everywhere!

Metrosexual woman = visits parlour, thinks about diet control, anything to look young forever.

Smart man = might not know the difference between hot wax or cold wax but prefers to stay clean, uses toiletries according to requirements. Might hesitate to try the new trends but would surely do if pushed by others.

Smart woman= knows how to mix and match brands and clothes, never waxes the face with veet strips, doesn't matter if she visits parlour once in 6 months but is always well groomed and knows well how to carry 200rs tank top with 3500rs jeans.

Hypocrite asshole of highest order: looks like a bhaloo, never waxes, consider ordinary man as fuddu, Metrosexual man as Gay, criticises smart man to be show off useless fellow, knows nothing about face foundation and mousse but speaks the loudest for women being morphed or painted to attract men, boasts their presence for being 'original' and calls their laziness, unaware of social trends annd no confidence to be the 'robust manliness'

Dumb birdbrained selfproclaimed chick = considers the world to be blind and shows off her Karol Bagh wala Fendi clutche, palika wali Gucci wedges with ex boyfriend ki gifted original guess wali jeans. Calls everything newly purchased sarojini item to be the gifted one by her chacha mama taya bhaiya bhabhi jija from london, Canada, dubai, South Africa respectively and that mobile which is gifted on Rakhi by her munh bola Brother whom she kept on seesaw-ing on friendzone cum to-be-boyfriendzone \m/

O yeah yeah yeah :~*


Monday, 13 October 2014

sometimes you've to quit..

I failed many times.. I didnt quit and kept trying because I had hope and faith that I will succeed one day since "nothing succeeds like success".. I failed again.. once more try more efforts and lost once again..
My mistake was I was trying something which is actually impossible, because blindly I couldn't change my perception of following the set rules of my life that " try try try and fail but don't fail to try.." And "A quitter never wins or a winner never quits" or may quote " there is nothing called IMPOSSIBLE because itself it says I M POSSIBLE" such quotes and prejudices do not fit everywhere.. the pursuit of achieving something I wanted, I made efforts more than it was required, spent resources, emotions, time, and every best possible techniques at my wits end to succeed because of the "obsession to win" but I failed every time I worked harder..

Well, this obsession snatched everything gradually and I didn't notice, or say I avoided to see that I'm losing eventually, everything.. Everyone..

I should have kept open mind and realise, I'm drilling the rock to get water, maybe the rock camouflaged to be a fertile ground or I was blind to trust, avoiding the apparent outcomes..

That's why I say, I'm the dumbest idiot i have ever seen and I'm the most hardworking and dedicated learner I have ever experienced.. Eh.. Too metaphorically I ranted here the philosophical epic verbose none gonna get through..
Maybe that's why I am single, unmarried, self obsessed drama queen trying to cuddle and make others giggle in uncontrollable mirth because I have lived a loyal relationship and got cheated, keep too high expectations from a man hence without keeping space for negotiations, I speak truth and have nothing to hide, and because I know when someone is emotionally shattered or is simply sad, one doesn't need piles of suggestions and solution, evaluation and speculation of faults and errors but needs someone to listen how much it hurts.. How it feels to get hurt.. And to answer just a simple question "why it happened with me? I was right and didn't do wrong!!!"
I be the "because" for someone's "why" for I know the hurt has the answers but not the courage to accept it..

I've seen worst, faced worst, seen unexpected incidents and grew up prematurely and that's why I keep it silly as nothing is as pleasurable as being a fool.. Knowing nothing.. It's not that simple as I want.. Nay, ain't necessary if I'm a finicky with Truth
, dedication and loyalty types 'one man' woman fixation, the others must be like me.. I should keep my skull open too and accept, that I'm nobody..

Also, I'm ready for more worst not because I'm aforementioned idiot of highest order but because I've seen people who stood by me dealing with their problems, in disastrous situation than I'm, and because to do, undo, redo, learn, realize, understand, unlearn and relearn is the journey through the purgatory called THE LIFE!!

Anyways.. Happy Sunday ahead!!

The best couple in reality

Exactly A year back, I was sitting in my bed - sad because I could not attend my One and only Rockstar besti's marriage with one of the cutest girls I have ever seen in my life.

A relationship of tom and jerry, yeah that's what it is.. probably somewhere I have learnt what's love and a committed relationship means, well it simply means KAMA and ADITI to me. The Best couple I have ever seen, ever felt, ever admired and witnessed.
The panju beauty and mallu beast..
I am just a mediocre unknown writer connecting virtual people and making them fall in a kind of love where the promise of staying together means NO MATTER WHAT I'LL STAND BY YOU IN GOODS AND BADS. A relationship where fights occur just to own each other, to be together. For me that real love is you both in flesh and fat and a freaking 6ft long bones..
Rarest of the rare women are like my punjabi kudi ADDU who stick by a man for a decade with a determination in heart to give a real shape to a fairy tale and The man who stood up to his promise and played equal part in shaping the dream of love. KAMA  the mixologist who had been a guide, a support, an unknown motivating inspiration for years for me to become a fictionist.. for what I'm known for, an erotic romance writer, for guiding my pen to stop never, for dealing all my craziness with patience, and for being the first reader of my first erotic fiction.. for teaching me love and for being there at midnight so that I can make my first love feel special..with no expectations in return.. nothing, except my happiness.  I have grown up to a working woman from a plumped college girl,  And could have done nothing without you Daa!!!
Can say If I had someone after my dad to help me learn relationships and friendship, It's K.M.KAMA who apparently did nothing but had been the only one to stand by all my good and bad decisions to pick me up when I fall.
A mere thank you or congratulations wouldn't be enough, ergo I bow down in front of my inspirations and promise that my first erotic romance in print would be dedicated to you both.
I gift you my writing forever my dearest friend and his beautiful soul.
I had nothing else more precious than this, my existence..

Wish you a very happy marriage anniversary, with all my blessings and everything I had..

Keep inspiring me by RISING IN LOVE, supporting me like elders and holding hands like forever there.

Love you guys. . A lot!
.. Golu

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Let it be

Woke up early, and sitting idle on my bed for past an hour.. bit of surprise, bit of wonder, bit of smile and a bit of memories..
Filtering my past, looking at my future, smiling at my present..
Decided to forgive, forget, and stop being someone I never was.. an angry soul with list in my heart.. neh, So far, all intense incidents made me what I am today.. I am born to spread love, laughter and happiness.. Had been a Giver, a provider not a consumer, taker..

Because at the end of the day we have to learn and we all learn something in different manner at different time.. 

Like I say, every end is a new beginning to start a journey and reach to the end, no matter how painful it had been, if at the end you've something in hand, you didn't lose..

Taking birth isn't easy, it is painful, messy, bloody, and a return of melted form of you from furnace.. Now mould yourself the way you want.. life is long, it is yours, and well, once gone it never comes back.. The time :)

"To Live, Let Go, let live, love, laugh, and learn is life" - himadri


Woke up early, and sitting idle on my bed for past an hour.. bit of surprise, bit of wonder, bit of smile and a bit of memories..
Filtering my past, looking at my future, smiling at my present..
Decided to forgive, forget, and stop being someone I never was.. an angry soul with list in my heart.. neh, So far, all intense incidents made me what I am today.. I am born to spread love, laughter and happiness.. Had been a Giver, a provider not a consumer, taker..

Because at the end of the day we have to learn and we all learn something in different manner at different time.. 

Like I say, every end is a new beginning to start a journey and reach to the end, no matter how painful it had been, if at the end you've something in hand, you didn't lose..

Taking birth isn't easy, it is painful, messy, bloody, and a return of melted form of you from furnace.. Now mould yourself the way you want.. life is long, it is yours, and well, once gone it never comes back.. The time :)

"To Live, Let Go, let live, love, laugh, and learn is life" - himadri

बस एक पल

एक पल तेरे काँधे से सर टिकाया था अभी,
एक पल जिए थे हम सुकून-ए-कहकशाँ बन के,
एक पर तेरी यादों से की अठखेलियाँ,
एक पल मरे हम बाकायदा मर के,
ये फालसा भी क्या फासला हुआ,
एक पल रुक गया खिजाँ बन के,
गर्दिश में किरकिरी सी भटकी हूँ मैं
एक पल थम गयी मैं तेरे अश्कों में भरके,
कल सुबह फिर बहम* होंगे हम दोनों,
एक पल बीत गया फिर यही उम्मीद करके..
..एक पल बीत गया फिर यही उम्मीद करके..

*बहम = इकठ्ठा

Friday, 5 September 2014


वो हवा - मैं पानी,
देखा और इश्क हो गया..
दोनों जवां - शाम रंगीं
बोतल से हम दोनों खुले
और इश्क़ ,
झाग सा चढ़ गया..
एक कदम - दूजी जुबां
संग चलने का वादा किया
करते गए, लड़ते गए..
वो हवा - मैं पानी
था रिश्ता बुलबुलों सा
ना रुकी जुबाँ,
फलसफा चलता रहा
चले संग कदम
पर फासला बढ़ता गया..
बुलबुलों का झाग जब बैठा
नजर आई फिर अधूरी
"शब्-ए-इश्क" की बोतल
था हवा वो -पानी मैं
बोतल से खुले थे हम दोनों
मैं ना जाने कहाँ बह गयी
और आधा वो खाली सा रह गया..

Friday, 29 August 2014

के ये सफ़र अब ख़तम हो चला है..

बस कुछ देर और जी भर के देख लीजिये हमें जानिब, के ये सफ़र ख़तम सा हो चला है

चंद लम्हों में जो समेट सको सुकून को, बस सीली हवा सा तेरा हमसफ़र हो चला है..
बड़ा टूटे थे तेरे इश्को को पाने में, टूटे दिल का मर्ज़ हो चला है..

कई ख़्वाबों को रख के बुनी थी जयमाला तुम्हारी, उन्ही ख़्वाबों की बन चादर, तेरी दुल्हन का जनाज़ा निकला है..
बस कुछ और जी भर के देख लीजिये जानिब,
के हमसफ़र से फासलों का फलसफा,
और कुछ बेआबरू से वादों का कारवां
तेरे ही दर से रुख्सत हो चला है..

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Love Jehaad

#LoveJehaad!??!*@#+*/ अब ये कौनसा नया टॉपिक है??

देखो फतवे के लिए हिन्दू क्या शब्द लगाते हैं पता नहीं..
अब तक की ज़िन्दगी को निचोड़ दूं तो पता चला, अफ़्शा,अदनान,अनस, अब्दुल, आसिफ, नाज़, लुबना, शफ्क़त, यासीन, क़मर, वासिफ़, मुदस्सिर, नज़र, सहर, ताज़िल..और बग्लादेशी अफ़सर.. इन नामों में सिमट जाएगा.. बचपन में कोई राखी बंधवाता था अब कोई मंदिर जाता है.. एक बार की मुलाक़ात में कोई बहन बन गयी किसी कोई अनकही ज़रुरत बन गई.. एक से सिर्फ दुआ सलाम का रिश्ता है और एक सिर्फ 'साहित्य-भाई' बना हुआ है.. दो ने उस वक़्त साथ दिया, जब शायद, फासलों की वजह और दायरा कम करने के चक्कर में ज़िन्दगी का फलसफा धुंधला पड़ने लग गया..
असली काफ़िर और दकियानूसी तो हिन्दू मिले मुझे, इन्होने कम से कम ये तो ना पूछा, कुमारी लगाती हो नाम के आगे?? ये नाम में "S" क्या है? श्रीवास्तव, शर्मा, शांडिल्य,सिंह, सिरोही....!!! ना मैंने पूछा की निम्न कोटि के मुस्लिम हो या उच्च कोटि के?

#Reminder (clarify dillema)- एक का समझ नहीं आया, मुस्लिम है, आसामी है, क्या आसामी मुस्लिम भी होते हैं या आसामी , आसामी होते हैं? आसामी चिंकी होते हैं? मिजोरम में नेपाली जैसे होते हैं? मतलब असम/अरुणाचल/ मणिपुर/ और जो भी है सब = नेपाली?? वो जैसे सारे मद्रासी ही होते हैं और noida & gaziabad को छोड़ कर सारा बिहार ही है और दिल्ली यानी पंजाबी ही होगा, और गुडगाँव टच किया नहीं की बस धक् धक् शुरू कौनसा जाट और गूजर में से कौन गन्दी नज़र से देखेगा और कौन मेट्रो से बाहर निकलते ही छुरा घुसाने दौड़ता चला आएगा!!!!
बहुत ज़रूरी है बॉस, फेसबुक स्टेटस से ही लोग भड़क सकते हैं क्या पता कौनसी धारा लग जाए..
"अज्ञानता ही परमानन्द है" का विवाद और अपवाद बनमानूस कानून (अब लम्बे हाथ, अंधे, सिरफिरे, मनमानी करने वाले, खाकी बाल वाले छोटे बनमानुस और काले सफ़ेद चितकबरे से बड़े गुर्रिलों के लिए क्या उपमा लगेगी?? नहीं पता! हिंदी और अंग्रेजी दोनों की "गरामर/Grammer" गोल है )
खैर, अज्ञानता ही परमानन्द है की आड़ में लंगूर बने दोस्ती यारी का केला तो खा गए लेकिन पता भी नहीं चलने दिया कब मैं "बेगम हिम्मीकश गोलूबानो नूरेभौकाली खां बीबी' बन गई "जेहादी शर्मा" से.. (#य़ा_राम #हे_अल्लाह) ऊप्स सॉरी कान पकड़ के सेंसिटिव इशू है, वैसे ही बेबाकी और हाज़िरजवाबी (एक्चुअली जबान-जोरी) की वजह से लोग फुके पड़े हैं..
इत्थु.. सी ज़बान नहीं संभाल पाती रिश्ते, नौकरी, कंपनी, क्या ख़ाक चलाऊँगी!!..

उर्दू भाषा के रुझान में हे भगवान् मैंने क्या अनर्थ कर दिया, शनि की वक्र दृष्टि कहीं "मीर से फैज़" को "मनुस्मृती" के ऊपर रखने की वजह से तो नहीं पड़ी मुझपर!! सितारों ने जेहाद कर रखा है की लव स्टोरी 9th चैप्टर पर अटकी पड़ी है और ना दिमाग का पता है, ना ज़िन्दगी का, ना करियर का और पुराना किया धरा तो वैसे ही गोल है!!
जय शनि देव, जय हनुमान, जय माता दी... वैसे एक बात बताओ को मतलब ये गृह चाल दशा सिर्फ हिन्दू के लिए ही होती है इस्लाम में भी होता है क्या राहू केतू टाइप्स? अगर नहीं है तो "खालू कंट्रोल नी होरिया इब निकाह पढ़वा दे मेरा" बोलू और बन जाऊं बेगम-ए-खासमखास .. ओहो.. कोई हाथ रोको मेरे, सोचना बंद करवाओ, मुंह बंध करवाओ मेरा, कुर्सी से बाँध कर ये मोबाइल सबसे पहले फेको और क्लोरोफार्म सुंघा दो की ये शैतानी सोच बंद हो, थोडा मच्योर बातें करूँ नाप तोल और बिना बत्तीसी फाड़े..
.. साहित्य वालो का यदि कोई माइनोरिटी कोटा है क्या?

त्च.. गोलू.. तुमसे ना होगा बेटा.. तुमसे ना होगा.. :'(



"I am the saint who masquerade quietly, and the sinner who charity's every single penny, the kali, the harta, the srshti, the shakti I am.
I'm the Aphrodite to sacrifice and the Narcissus to love me, I'm the Sun to burn everything and The moon to heal again, I'm the dark touch of occult and the psychopomps to guide your soul, I'm the core of seven sins and I'm the grace of virgin Angeles.. I'm the illusion and the truth, I'm the Creation and I'm the destruction. I am the lyssa and the Lilith..

The hallucinating Pantheon I am and I am the agonstic kathenotheist..
I am the seal of Solomon, the thelema I'm..
The predynasty of your existence, the past, the present the future I'm..
The damnable abomination, and the three creations..
The djinn, the angel, the human I am, smoke of bornless one I'm..

I'm the mirage to hide Edith rose and the hidden amesha spenta I am..

I am the deity you bow, I am the curse of whore
I am your sore and I am your cure..

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

ना तुम मुस्कुराते ना वो बात होती

चलो ना, फिर उस बारिश में लबों को चूम लें
मैं फिर घुटनों पर बैठ कर मांग लूंगी तुम्हें, और तुम हाँ की जगह मुझे भर लेना बाहों में..
चलो ना, मुस्कुरा दो फिर से, जैस मेरे रूठ जाने पर गुदगुदी करके मुझे हंसाते थे, और जो मैं हंस के रो देती तुम्हारे सीने से लिपट कर, तुम बस मुस्कुरा देते..
चलो ना, फिर से दौड़ कर वो छूटती बस को पकड़ें और हंस दे चढ़ती सासे देख, मुझे खड़े देखे तुम्हारे इंतज़ार में तुम गाड़ी तेज़ भगा लेते..
चलो ना, फिर से जियें बस एक दूजे के लिए.. बिना परवाह किए किसी की, तुम भी वो हो मैं भी वो हूँ बस अब खुद को मना लेते..
अच्छा चलो कान पकड़ लें, मैं तुम्हारे और तुम मेरे, दिल दुखाया जो एक दूजे का उसपर मुस्कुरा कर मरहम फेरें..
..एक बार तो फिर से बाहों में भर कर देखो, सब कुछ सिफ़र होजाएगा, तुम ऐसे दूर जाओगे तो मुझको कौन खिलायेगा?
चलो ना, फिर से दर्द महसूस करें एक दूजे का, फिर जिंदगी का मकसद बन जायें, पूरा करो ना वो रूठी कहानी, या मिल कर एक ग़ज़ल हो जायें..
चलो ना, एक बार फिर से मेरा सपना देखो, मैं फिर हंस कर काँधे पर सर रख देती, तुम फिर यूँहीं गुनगुना के हंस देते.. "ना तुम मुस्कुराते ना वो बात होती" …

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

कुछ यूँ भी

सिर्फ एक तेरे सीने पर
सर रख रात बिताने के लिए,
मुहोब्बत भी की,
बगावत भी की,
कुछ दर्द सहा,
इबादत भी की,
फिर मर भी गए वादों की तरह..
..के जनाज़े के बहाने जो तू छू ले
..तो फिर जी उठेंगे हम यादों की तरह.. :)

Saturday, 5 July 2014

Last pages of my maroon diary

"You just had to stand on my side and support me when I fought with you, or you could have persuaded me to be your side and forgive me for being immature in love..
We decided to fight with the world for each other to never be apart but we fought with each other and our world fell apart..

We both were equally hypocrite, insecure, prejudiced and judgmental at different preset levels and we both were equally, deeply, truly, passionately, loyalty in love with each other at same level.

We failed not as lovers but as erroneous human beings slaves to our instincts and habits. We're still inseparable soulmates just separate mortal bodies.

We desire each other but we don't deserve to be together being partners in crime..
We raised the wedlock toast in the name of our togetherness and served the purest poison of LOVE.."

Sunday, 22 June 2014

डोंट कॉपी मी

तुमने मेरा स्टेटस कॉपी किया.. मैंने कुछ नहीं बोला..
तुमने मेरे कोट्स को अपनी बुक में एडिट कर के डाला, मैं चुप रही..
तुमने मेरी शायरी को फॉरवर्ड कर कर के खूब वाहवाही लूटी, मैंने तुम्हें माफ़ कर दिया
लेकिन सफिक्स "Licious" का ऐसा दुरूपयोग करके "Champilicious' 'kaantalicious' 'chaprasilicious' जैसे नाम बना कर originality claim करने वालो की Assilicious bamboofied insertification and taken out via mouthentic chillyflakesing sprinkling कर दिया जायेगा :)

ध्यान रखें, हम इज्ज़त से इजाज़त लेकर तसल्ली से तशरीफ़ का तानपुरा बजाते हैं.. आदाब!

पीएस: पिताजी से कहियेगा, या तो अच्छी कंपनी का लेते या सो ही जाते!


I like egoistic people who can define the fine line between attitude and arrogance, who can bow down in front of a superior with love and respect and equally support the juniors being a hope of someone being there to support.

I like people with high nose only when they are self made, I respect their egos only when they know how to control this dog. You're nothing for me if you've got an Iphone in 12th class and a honda car to travel to college.

Ego is to stand straight with high head to face the world not to stand stiff and look up.. don't forget that even to wear gold medal in your neck, you have to bow down your head in front of the evaluating authorities.

Moanday moanings!

The life being a Generalist-

Controlling the confrontations, denial, disagreement, diplomacy and deceptively mendacious personality of men and women 30-40 years elder to you not only requires firmness and clarity of logical and rational thoughts with valid notable evidences, instances and paradigms but also in-depth and handy knowledge of the perpetually changing, evolving, developing subject that creates conflicts of opinion due to years of experience Vs Management degree from reputed national and international universities; due to generation gap and due to entirely different demographical, cultural, lingual and ideological backgrounds.

I cannot be extemporaneous or impromptu in front of deeply scanning eagle eyes or the ears catching sonic waves holding the chair and running the organization.

Born out of literature and linguistics, spent first half of my life acquiring command over the first and second languages, yet fail syntactically at times, hate mathematics to the core being laziness as the sins of personality, grown up and nurtured among police diaries, human psychology, multi-religious ideologies, anthropology and anatomy, behavioural and acquired psychology, criminal- psychopathic and sociopaths' psychology - evolved me as a completely libral person to have an opinion that 'it's useless to have an opinion about anything' just because I think my measurement scale is perfect.. eh!

My work starts when the schools and colleges and universities see off the monsters in an attire of civilized kings. I keep check on their gates of exits where the barbarians inside the civilized aces perpetually rebel to breathe in open sky.

I am surrounded by kilos of babbling and gibberish and encrypted management woodoo scripts by philip kotler, koontz O'donnell weihrich, freeman, stoner from Anita desai , Wordsworth and Coleridge.

I research over under beside beneath inside and outside the Human Resource Management policies, contrast and comparison of the learning and development asla-baarood among nestle, tata, itc, iskimaki and uskebaapki..
I eat Psycholinguistics, Sociolinguistics and neuro-linguistics and sleep on katamba and cristel. I articulate weird voices in such a manner that the aliens from mars can misinterpret it as their women moaning for orgasm!!

Once I was a writer exploting the senses with darkest fantasies of my reader and today I am given ears by HODs of entertainment , hospitality, hotel and corporate sector; I am still a writer and I write 20 times more than I used to do but the genre is diversified.

I still hold the reigns of eroticism and amore but now with a deep analysis of human behaviour.

I am just in my 20s and I want to unlearn the things to live my life normally. It's also abnormal to have a obsession for perpetual progress in knowledge acquisition.

But at the end of the day it makes my father smile to see her daughter picking up where he retired, to hold the bench among the aces..

..and that's what gives me serenity when I sleep.

Don't hate me for my extended verbose people.. this is the only thing I do of my free will nowadays twice in a month..

P.S envy me people.. I have an off today!

Saturday, 21 June 2014


Some relationships can never grow up because growing up ends the relation. Immaturity and being childish is something what bonds it. Not all relations are driven by two tires, very few are the ones like enjoying a water boat ride.. one pushes the paddle and the other enjoys the sights and water.
Don't get tired because you're the knee joint of this relationship that bears all the weight of the body. I'll replace you the day I know I'm alone in the boat and now I have to push the paddle to survive in the water.
Sleeping together in each other's arms with aching head and swollen eyes because we fought and now gave went to the anger and created the space to feel the love.. which is ending the moment with my head hidden under your chest and your pecks on my wet eyes..
Some relationships are so extreme that they're based on fights and anger, disagreement and disappointments.. The expectations are so high that it breaks with a blink of the eyes.
Still do you need support to understand that till you love each other, you will fight and give pain to your lover and you're in a true relationship, loyal and dedicated to each other till you've got the power to hurt.. The deeper the hurt the deeper you exist in each other's life..

You matter the most that's why your things hurt the most and you both take pleasure from it because to cure the extreme pain of accusation and blaming, the extreme love you make, and it calms everything down and things go back to normal.

You're whole world to each other and the sick world call you love sick..

The normal, logical human inside you conflicts with this strange desire and crave for love and you decide to quit the ritual of your love by setting yourself apart.. by break ups. .

And yet that hurts the most. Unbearable crave to touch and rest in peace in your lover's hug. The lust to rape each other on the bed and to make love to any extreme. . The horniness and the wild beast inside you.. you know it.. your soul mate loves the animal inside you and feeds it.. your lover is the onky person on earth you want to make love to, you just can't get physically involved or even if you do involve with someone else; nobody can satisfy you in the same way.. you naked your soul in front of your lover that's the reason only that person knows in and out of you.. seen the worst version of you, yet kept standing to embrace the ugliest face of yours..

You both dominate each other and you submit only to each other.
You love the bondage of trust. The pearl of trust which is covered under the shells of insecurities, doubts, obsession, hate, expectations, jealousy, envy, and possessiveness.

You crave for each other's madness and that madess to get you, to have you forever.

The sadistic stimulation to rule over your lover mind body and soul. The sadomasochism is the purest way to express your love.. You're her submissive dominant and she's dominantly submissive to you.. 

Respect the heated moments and understand the disagreement, it's just a normal portrayal emotions by abnormal people in this hypothetically normal weird world.

 - Note - This work is written under the study of Erotic and romantic aesthetics I'm researching about. based on psychological study and understanding of relationships.


जो बरस सके तो कुछ ऐसे बरस रे मेघा, 
जैसे पी मोरा तन छू जाए, 
नाभी पर चुपके से मोरी, 
चूमे और सिहरन दे जाए, 
बूंद नीर पग झांझर बांधे, 
वक्षों पर मोरे थिरकाए, 
अंग अंग मोरा बनके मयूरा
रसिका सा पी का मन भाए, 
जो बरस सके तो ऐसे बरस लीजो
प्रणय मिलन मेध अरू धरा का
जो पी देखे तो रोक न पाए
बिसर के अपनी चाक-चाकरी
थामे चूनर - उर मोरा लजाए
कर निर्वस्त्र पी के यौवन को
ताप-श्वास मुझमे समाए
कर मुझे तू उसकी राधिका 
कान्हा वो मेरा हो जाए, 
जो बरस सके तो बरस रे मेधा
जो पी से मिले मेरा देह बरस जाए, 
प्रफुल्ल मनु मनमीत मिलन हो
नूतन प्रेम अंकुरित हो जाऐ
कर मुझको तुझ सा बावरा
मै बरसूं और पी मुझमें रमाऐ..

Wednesday, 4 June 2014

In A Committed Relarionship

No situation is ever so worst in any relationship that could not be overcome.. it is just people stop making the same 'efforts' to MAINTAIN it the way they made to GAIN it..

.. holding the argument that "A relationship is two way efforts" -- well, wasn't it one way when you took weeks/months/years to convince your lover to accept your 'proposal' of commitment and promises to stand by each other no matter whatever it takes..

You failed to try once more, once again.. you failed not because you couldn't succeed but because you quit trying to achieve your lover 'once again'.

You never asked for your lover's permission or support to 'fall' for his/her love.. but you seek full support and cooperation to repair the broken glass..

Ask yourselves, did you make the same efforts to maintain it? Wouldn't it be better if you hadn't TAKEN FOR GRANTED and repeated the same mistake/ cause/ situation that shattered your lover's trust/ emotions / sentiments / desires / dream?
Only if you had cured the infection the then and not created the same environment again and only if you wouldn't have stopped making efforts to revive it.. 

It's not about being a man or a woman to initiate, nor it is about playing upper hand- it is all about the feeling you had when you were together in bed, or laughing over phone calls or holding hands in long drive.. 

A relationship is just like a plant - you have to nurture it forever with same efforts to keep it alive. The life long responsibility is called ' in a committed relationship'.

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

Confession of a rake


"Men.. they're just an another source of my live entertainment.."

.. Would have forgiven you, just like some other day.. Could have rolled back to the missionary fashion of dealings with you..
Should have killed you when you chose infidelity - even in the thoughts..
Was I just a slice of meat on your bread?
To enjoy, to relish, to satisfy the crave of your manhood? Or was it all just the journey to sending me in the brothel of love..? The path you showed me filming my eyes with dreams, my heart with desires, my existence to complete you , YOU being the origin of my thoughts and the horizon of efforts to make you happy..

I was a princess insulted like a whore.. who to blame? You My king? Who could never step out of his narcissistic Dominion.. Or the woman in profession of barter of body and soul? Or myself? To have such a weak dedication that your hate won over my love?

I see you enjoying my tears when I spread myself on someone else's bed, when the vultures eat the flesh from my numb body.. Exactly the was you demanded me to be-- "to be your whore"..
..Given you the keys of trust to lock me safely inside your arms, remember each time there was a theft in the security of your love lock- I begged to protect me and never let me go an inch away from you?
..and you never could overview your own security system blinded by prejudices of experienced planning..

Did everything to love you my love.. And would still do.. Anything to feel you..
Laugh louder so that my groans couldn't reach you.. Scream and shout to the level that the sound of slaughterhouse can't reach you..
Forgiving you is the easiest thing I did always, forgiving myself isn't my thing, like you said ' I adore the pain'...

Come, bed like me with everyone and feel 'how much I loved you'..

Last pages of my maroon diary - Himadri."

Friday, 30 May 2014

ghazal in progress..

उस दर्द की ज़ुबां थे वो आंसू, 
चीख कर निकले थे तेरे आखरी वार पर.. 
बस एक तू ना होता शामिल मेरे कातिलों की फेहरिस्त में, 
जान ही कहाँ बची के उठ कर लड़ लेते हम, 
ये किस मोड़ पर ला के तूने सुर्ख रंग बिखेरा, 
टूटे तो ऐसे टूटे जैसे बस टूट ही गए हम.. 
थी वही ग़ज़ल तेरी आँखों में बिछड़ते वक्त, 
कई शाम, छुप कर जिसे लिखते थे हम..
टूटे तो ऐसे टूटे के बस टूट गए हम..

Thursday, 22 May 2014

Prokejru modification

There is too much political tussle on daily basis between being
"sympathetic attention seeking drama whore" and being "the sole legitimate owner of India possessing  superficial/ hypothetical magical powers" on my Facebook wall that I am so bloody confused who belongs to which party of being sanitary napkins to absorb the ideologies-- apparently without rational thinking, without questioning, without any logic behind the articulated statement (Facebook posts)!!!!!!!

Get some life people and stop being a toilet paper roll with which both political brothels are wiping their arses!

I support "kejriwal" so as per the codes fed into my system whatsoever a "modi-supporter" says is a subject to be discarded without giving a thought OR if I'm "modiwaadi" each and evey anti-modi or "prokejru" is mere an attention seeking whore to be screwed then and there!!

It's good to support - oppose and expressing your own ideology and point of view but 24*7*365 ranting the same thing makes other sick of you and your choices!

जाहिलों.. अपना दिमाग क्या आजम खान की भैंसों का चारा बना आये हो?

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Fuck the what - A rambling note!

मेरे देश के भाइयों और बहनों...
Celebrating 75k hits on blog 
Blog entry after a long with a rambling note *Fuck The What*
In past two months, my life taught me many things and the long list of gists of the lessons are
★ You needn't make someone your priority to the extent where your own individuality is wiped out.
★ Fuck your time and time will fuck you, karma pays then and there.
★ Nothing at the cost of your personal and professional growth and development.
★ Be a bitch when it comes to take your hard earned money. Nobody is your daddy out there.
★ Shut down internet, you can boom in all dimensions of area.
★ Yes, it hurts to the core when the only "person" of your life with whom you shared everything - dies yet you move on.. Dogs are not animals.
★ The most passionate and promising love relationships fade away with the time. It is not necessary to like the person you love.
Love, care, concern, liking and habit are entirely different concepts- sometimes you pick one to be 'together'
★ If they suck, they're not worth it. Kick them out, don't hold on to the 70% pain for rest of your life because of 30% smiles they have given to you. Think practical.
★☆ Kamal R khan is an asshole! Period. ☆★
★ Don't pause your happiness for 'a man' till you reach 'men-o-pause'. World is full of sizzling meats if you mentally and emotionally quit the food causing diarrhea! 
★ Fall in love with your work. Give your best screw the rest.
★ Biggest companies can be managed by dickheads! Don't go by what black suits and clean shaved staff.
★ Sooner or later when you realize that you're not happy in your LOVE RELATIONSHIP please don't ruin the life of your partner in the process of 'making him perfect' by trying to change him/her -- Stop being a MOM/DAD to your lover! rather change your partner and find someone you feel, is 'perfect'*
→ *Slap yourself for having a definition of perfect. You're bloody selfish and run after your comfort to desire everything according to your wishes.
★ Never stop "producing art" if you don't practice you'll end up as a "fart"
★ Who's not a hypocrite? Look at yourself you double standard idiot.
★ "Losing interest" is anything is worst than being failed or quitting.
★ You needn't share everything with someone, when you could not keep it to yourself how can you expect other to keep it?
★ Office bitching can be fun between two frustrated women employees- especially when you're the third person to listen 
★ never lose your friends and loved ones in any whatsofuckingever case. Have people in your life, doesn't matter even if they're mean, fake, selfish, virtual or not available when you're sad.
Loneliness is the worst choice you make being depressed- don't forget even when you die, you need people to dump you in the garbage.
★ Rakhi Sawant can get 2006 votes, hence India has certified chutiyaas!
★ Never never never ruin your self confidence just because one narcissistic sociopath has continuously broken you emotionally and mentally. Don't become a fix for his ego supply.
Eh don't remember your uncle who is always frustrated and discouraging ?
★ Men/women who have a habit of saying "Always there for you" beware of them. They are the people to ruin your life. BEWARE!
★ You are beautiful, that fat tire on your thighs are also beautiful, the big tummy is beautiful, small boobs or dark complexion or being weak in English or failing 8 times to complete 1 class, that scar and you are SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL.
and not the least
★ Happiness is a choice you make. Cry, be depressed, try committing suicide, feel like a loser, worth less, being cheated, alone, used, insulted or anything. It's okay!
Take your own time and methods to overcome yourself.
It's completely normal to go through this phase or having such people in life who demoralize, depression, underestimate, demotivate or make you negative.
..... But once you are done with that shit 'tragedy drama queen' mode, just don't cry again for the same reason. Done with regrets? Now wake up and start from zero.
Stay sexy pee-pals  someday somewhere we'll meet and pee together on some wall.. 

Saturday, 26 April 2014

तू आदत है वो..

तो क्या हुआ जो हर रात तेरे बिस्तर पर बिछी हूँ मैं
मैंने भी हर रात तुझे चादर सा ओढ़ा है
तेरी अँगड़ाई, तेरी खुशबू, यूँ ही रह जाती हैं
हर सुबह मेरी सिलवटों में जिन्हें तूने छोड़ा है
बड़ा खाली सा रह गया है ये वक्त,
जब 'खुद को' तुझे परोसा करते थे,
हाँ, हुई होगी तुझे कभी मुहोब्बत,
पर तूने मुझे एक 'आदत' बनके तोड़ा है।

Sunday, 23 March 2014

गरीबी - एक धर्म

पापा और मैं सन्डे की नाश्ते की टेबल पर बहुत बातें करते हैं। कल रात डायरेक्ट साब ने बातों ही बातों में एक सवाल पूछ डाला की भारत को इंडिया क्यूँ कहते हैं। अपने सूक्ष्म ज्ञान के अनुसार जो अधकचरा उत्तर मैंने उन्हें दिया उससे मैं खुद ही संतुष्ट न हो पाई तो सुबह सुबह अपने इतिहास प्रेमी पिता से पूछ डाला।

मेरा उत्तर लगभग सही था अंग्रेज और सिन्धु नदी।
खैर.. बात घूमते घूमते पहुँच गयी कनाट प्लेस के कुत्तों की सेहत पर और वहां से पापा ने शेयर किये उनके कुछ मार्मिक अनुभव -कलकत्ता, असम, दिल्ली, और कुछ शहरों के जहाँ उनकी पोस्टिंग रही।

वैसे तो इस बात को 30-40 साल से ज्यादा हो गए लेकिन आज भी हकीकत ही है, देखा तो मैंने भी है और मुझे यकीन है आपने भी।

कलकत्ता और मदर टेरीसा की कुछ बात  बताते हुए पापा ने बताया की एक साइकिल पर होटलों से बचा ठीक खाना और साफ़ जूठन गरीबों के लिए ले जाया जाता था जो की आज भी होता है।
उनकी आँखों देखी बात है की बड़े कूड़े के ढेर में से ठेकेदार खाना साफ़ करवा कर बेचा करते थे जिसमे सभी तरह का मांस होता था - मुर्गा, बकरी, गाय, भैंस और शूकर।
गरीब लोग आते और चंद पैसो वही ले जाते और खाते।
गरीब से मेरा मतलब ये नहीं जो घर में दाल रोटी खाते हैं या केजरीवाल के आम आदमी वेशभूषा में रहते हैं, मैं उनकी बात कर रही हूँ जो किसी फ्लाईओवर क नीचे कुत्ते के मूंह से रोटी छीन कर खाते हैं, मैंने भी देखा है।

लेडी श्री राम कॉलेज की मेरी एक मित्र थी जो आज अमरीका में शादी कर चुकी है उसके लिए हौंडा सिटी चलाने वाला गरीब था और मेरे लिए शायद पैदल चलने वाला गरीब हो क्यूंकि मैं खुद डीटीसी की बस और मेट्रो में रोज़ सफ़र करती हूँ और लाल बत्ती की गाडी में भी, और पैदल चलने वाले के लिए शायद भिखारी गरीब हो। सबके अपने पैमाने हैं

लेकिन यहाँ सोचने वाली बात एक थी, मैंने हिन्दू परिवार में जन्म लिया है, हालांकि मैं किसी धर्म को नहीं मानती, लेकिन खान पान में परहेज रखना डंडे के जोर पर  मेरी ब्राह्मण माँ करवातीं हैं पर उस इंसान को धर्म से क्या जो कूड़े में पड़े मांस के टुकड़े पर अपना जीवन व्यतीत करता है?
वो सिर्फ एक धर्म निभाता है - भूख
गरीबी भी तो एक धर्म ही है, और हम चाहे कितने गाँधी , मोदी, और केजरीवाल बदल लें भारत का एक बहुत बड़ा तबका गरीब ही रहेगा जिन्हें देख कर हम मुंह पर रुमाल रखेंगे और अनदेखा कर देंगे।
या अगर वो ऑटो में हमें छु कर पैसे मांगे तो गाली दे कर हम डेटोल सैनेटाईज़र लगायेंगे।

खैर, 30%  डैरेक्ट टैक्स और 70% इंडाइरेक्ट टैक्स देकर हम अपनी सामाजिक जिम्मेवारी पूरी कर रहे हैं और वो मेरी बात का विषय नहीं है

मेरी सोच और सवाल केवल एक बिंदु पर केन्द्रित है
क्या धर्म केवल उनके लिए है जो barbeque nation में unlimited खाना मंगवा कर बर्बाद करते है या उनका भी है जो उसी बर्बाद खाने और जूठन से अपनी भूख मिटाते हैं?
वो जनेऊ पहनते हैं की ख़तना करवाते हैं? आग पूजते हैं की मोमबत्ती जलाते हैं? सेवा करते हैं या कन्या पूजते हैं?