Monday, 18 March 2013

In Conversation with "Myself"


I took a sip of cognac with four cubes of crystal clears and asked myself, am I way too serious in my life?
My brows curled up and I closed my eyes, maybe I was fighting those tears to escape from the fencing lashes.
And they won as I opened my small black eyes stroked with the pink shades of loneliness.

I was sitting in front of me.
I felt like a jellyfish kissed my toes with its stings.. I saw myself.. Sipping the cognac, smile shining on my lips.
I stammered, "wh..o are you?"

She said "I'm Himadri"

Himadri? So.. Who am I? Asked I with a widened labyrinth of my pupil.

"You're.. You're actually nobody.." she looked down upon me and said, sipping more that iced poison.

"No.. n.. No.. I am drunk" I kept my glass on the table.

"Maybe" she sipped more..

I was glued to the couch, I looked deep down those soul penetrating eyes and submitted.

"What do you want? Why are you here?" I don't want to talk to anyone, please leave I am sad.

She made a little curve to the left of her lips and smiled "why?" 

I sighed, my eyes were searching for answers in my toes.. "I don't know.. I am kind of lost.."

"No, you are not, you have just deleted the number of your best friend from your list"
said she, still smiling.
"Best friend? Who? I don't have! I.. I never had.. I.. " And I broke into tears..
"Do you feel alone?" She asked lovingly.
"No.. I don't.." I said convincingly

She rested her back on the couch and asked "what is it bothering you so much?"

"I don't know.. I just don't have any clue.. I am just in the middle of nowhere "
I looked into her eyes, I had a puppy face.

And she broke into a laugh.. "Because you're leading your life to nowhere"

''What do you mean? Am I depressed?" I raised my eyebrow and asked her.

"Certainly not, But rather than Convince yourself that you are the best... You have turned your car on the path of convincing it to others.." She said.

"What do you mean? I never try to prove myself to others!! Do I?" I said, confidently.

Wow! So sure about yourself? She asked provocatively.

Yes, I am! Because I am focused in my life. I am not confused what I will do next. I have gained the best. People crave for opportunities and they knock at my door because I concentrate on my task without expecting the results.
All these achievements, my satisfaction , my inner peace are evident to me being myself.

I was speaking without a pause, as if I am fighting for my right. And she.. Listening calmly, sipping the cognac and smiling at me being hyper..

"Really? She asked sarcastically "Who are you?"
"I am Himadri" I said in a comparatively louder voice.

She put her empty glass of Cognac on the table, leaned a bit and smiled.

Welcome back!
I asked "what?"

She said.. "At times, we need ourselves, we have all the answers to our questions and at times we are troubled by the answers because we cannot question ourselves.
Nothing has happened to you, you're not alone, you're not lagging behind.
You are just trying to compete with the time.
People crave to have a life like yours, did you forget that?"

I kept listening to her..

Life like me? I am no Bill Gates! Just an ordinary girl, more of a student and a daughter.. I said.

"Yes! And people crave for a life like yours.. She said with a calm face.
"To be a student, to have parents, to be ordinary..
You get the food three times a day, you sleep on Dunlop, you wear expensive clothes, you can pay your bills, you can read books, you have the power of expression.. And above all you have all your senses working, a healthy and fully functioned mind and body..
Millions of people crave for it.."

I kept mum for some time..

"But.. Why to compare my life with incapable ones? Why not with those who hit the jackpot, whom I want to be?"
I said stepping towards the same disheartening chamber.

"Why do you compare at all?"

Her question made me blank!
I did not have an answer. I started looking nook and corner of my possible logic to support my answers but I failed..

"Umm.. Maybe that's how the world runs, everybody does it.. They crave for others lives, they feel jealous and get depressed by others achievements, they think and over think and cry for not having THAT life, even you said earlier, some people crave to have my kind of life"
 defeated her in argument, the table turned. The balls are in my court.. I smile thinking all this..

She pushed the empty glass to me, ordering, "fill it"
Why would I ? I asked to myself.

I felt egoist, proud and superior by turning the table and eventually I spoke " Do it yourself"
Hahahaha.. And she laughed at me..
I looked at her, confused enough "why would you laugh?"
"Those who compare eventually end up like you, when you compare to superiors, you fill yourself with the sense of being nothing and burn your wits in jealousy. And when you compare yourself to the lesser ones you blind yourself with ego and pseudo pride."
What did you get? You could not think logically! You couldn't be my friend! You couldn't make me your follower either or you couldn't take my guidance..

I looked at her with an open mouth and after a while, I said.. "This is not me, this was never me, who am I?"

And she said.. "You're Himadri"

She walked away and faded from my eyes.. I still had my glass full, raised level of cognac with the melted ice.
And it the glass contained all my dilemmas, questions and answers..

I found my answers in conversation with myself, I am my pathfinder, I am my best friend..


  1. Pathfinder...not an easy task to achieve...but i guess u did with all excellence :)

  2. once done reading, got many questions to answer .. hope i wud find them too .. thanku so much!

    1. It is a good habit to question.
      If I can help, let me me know,
      I am sure you can answer yourself..
      Thanks :)

  3. Replies
    1. Thank you Priya.. I am glad you liked it.. :)

  4. Brilliant, but why do you really need cognac for a conversation with yourself?

  5. This is one of your finest work I have read. A conversation with oneself seeped in logic usually strips us of our defences and all we are left with is a stark naked truth. Usually that is a gut wrenching moment and once past that, we experience a freedom and a weight that is lifted off our shoulders.