That's So.. Himmilicious..!

Sapiosexually High, Writer, Researcher, Cult, Erotic and Romantic aesthetics, Gender and Sexual politics, Fictionist, Lover, Daughter

Sunday, 24 April 2016

हक़ीक़त हूँ मैं

कुछ अच्छा लिखो तो हम पढ़ें भी,
यूँ ही कलम टटोलते रहते हो जैसे मेरी पीठ पर उंगलियो से लिख रहे हो।

कुछ अच्छा कहो तो हम सुने भी,
यूँ ही बुदबुदाते रहते हो जैसे सीने से लगा कर कानों में कुछ कह रहे हो।

ऐसे थोड़े ही होता है, कुछ अच्छा सा सुना दो,
हर वक़्त क्या एक ही ग़ज़ल गुनगुनाते हो की मैं हंस दूँ।

हटो, छोडो मुझे, ज़रा मुझसे बहार आओ
हकीकत हूँ मैं, तुम्हारा ख़याल नहीं...

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Tuesday, 5 April 2016

Make sure, you know "Something" to be "You"

When you fall for someone, you let the person in, inside the walls you have built.
Inch by inch with good, bad and ugly experiences. Some, at work. Some, in family. Some, of society and some, yourself.

And then the person- he takes something from you, little pieces of you, over time, tiny bits that you don't realize something is getting shallow.
One day, you're 'you' and then one day you become something that you weren't - something that the person wanted you to be.
You lie yourself, you jeopardize your career, agree to do whatonearthsofuckingever the person wants you to do.
And even then, being not you, you're ready to be everything.
You lose yourself for a long time and then you feel you're finally the one who you want to be, well, you can't.
you fall for someone again. You do something again you don't want to, and then again this new "someone" takes a piece of you and you let it..
Make sure that never happens again.
Make sure you're not gone, piece by piece.
Make sure, you stay "you".
People come, change you, and then they go because you're changed.
It's your, very own life, let none ruin it.

I know, you must be thinking it is confusing and vague. But no, oftentimes you do not realize what happened, everything was "okay", what went wrong and whose fault was it that your relationship ended.

Changing your wiring is hard, you have to change in and out. Your nature might be polite, calm and submitting just because :-

1. You don't want to take up a fight and you avoid it.
2. You give priorities to your partner's feelings.
3. And various stupid reasons. Well yes, those petty excuses. 

For the time being, analyze, what are those petty excuses that you make to ignore the fact that bit by bit someone is taking away pieces from you.

And in my next post, I will tell you, how to stay in relationship and not lose yourself. 

#Psychology #emotionalAbuse #Relationship #Submission
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Monday, 7 March 2016

Thank you for international women's day.

Oh! Thank you society for reminding us we are special and respected. We're strong and independent. We're not a flesh for your momentary pleasure. We're not just another fragile and poor living being surviving for our existence..
Thank you, all of a sudden for making us a mother, a daughter, a wife, a lover, a sister and and a friend, For making us realize that we are the multidimensional, multitasking, dynamic personalities and you're thankful to us goe being a part of social growth.

Thank you for not calling the derogatory words today, for announcing us bitches by instinct and not considering us 'the same' in all aspects.

Thank you for not raping us today,for not leaving bottles in our wombs, for not mutilating our bodies, for not throwing acids on us, for not beating us for delivering a girl child or for simply being outspoken.

Thank you dear society for letting us know that we're 'equal' and for not calling us bloody feminist if we talk about equality. For understanding the rejections and respecting our will.

Thank you for giving us discounts, reservation, special events, and entire coach in metro. For a safe travel in buses and not rubbing yourself on our back or shoulders.

Thank you for not demanding anything to guide us professionally or academically, for not defaming us on achieving success. For not associating absurdly with a colleague if we behave strong headed and bold, for not rebuking us on going out in Cold.

Thank you society, for everything you have given to us, or for everything you have not given to us, Thank you for making us realize that we are humans too and we have right to breathe freely among others.

Thank you for taking out one day and painting the surrounding pink.

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Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Shine like the sun and give a fuck to thoze who become blind.

"Success" seven letters word with various interpretations on different horizons.

No matter how highly qualified you're into academics, you mean nothing among the bulls of corporate world who hold years of experiences and mint money like sluts.

No matter how much money you mint, what lifestyle you follow or in what fashion you're worshipped into the corporate world; you're just another asshole if you cannot stand, speak, write, behave or use correct punctuations among the educated scholars, literary pundits, and the intellectual breeds.

You're just another nonexisting insect among the politicians and socialites if you're a layman with no powerful contacts and connection among the Richie Riches of the society.

And you're just another loser if you have all the riches of the world, degrees of education, contacts in and out the corporate, and academic pundits as your servants but nobody to call family and friends.

You're a failure in one or other way to them, your success may mean nothing to somebody, your 'god complex' may not exist for someone not of your field..

Success, is like a prostitute, cannot be owned by anyone, abandoned by some or other, desired by all, cursed by those who cannot get hold, abused by those who are ruined by it, and nobody's loyal.

Depends upon you, you want to be successful, to whom, by what, how, or when..

All you have to do is not to be afraid, not to be dim, burn it up, shine like the sun and don't give a damn to those who get blind by looking at you.

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Monday, 22 February 2016

तुझे बहकना होगा

उसकी गर्दन से चिपकी लट को छुड़ाया हमने,
पेशानी से टपकती खारी बूँद को चुराया हमने,
फिर मुझे सोच में सिमटना होगा,
वो ख्वाब है, उसमे बहकना होगा..

मैं रेशम सी सिलवटें कुछ उसपर बना दूँ,
उसके कंगन में उलझे धागे हटा दूँ,
गर्म साँसों से अपनी जो उनको भिगाया हमने,
सिरहन से उनके रोम को उभरना होगा,
वो ख्वाब है, उनमे बहकना होगा..

दाँतों से कतर देती है उँगलियाँ अपनी,
होंठो से खींच लेती है परतें कितनी,
बिखरा के बालों को, फिर यूँ ही बाँध लेती हैं
कई बार खुद को बालों सा बिखराया हमने,
पेशानी से टपकती बूँद को चुराया हमने,
फिर तुझेे सोच में सिमटना होगा,
तू ख़्वाब बन, मुझे बहकना होगा...

- हिमाद्रि

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Friday, 18 December 2015

कुत्ती तलब

यह चाह बड़ी कुत्ती है, वही चाहिए जिससे मुहोब्बत है
फिर क्या मालूम कितनी हुस्न परियाँ बदन से हो के निकल जाए, कितने राजकुमार पलके पॉँव के नीचे बिछा दे, रूह को तो कमबख्त एक ही ने छुआ था, और एक ही के सीने में छुप के सुकून मिला था, उसके बाद तो लोग महज़ दिल बहलाने और ज़रूरतें मिटाने का सामान बन गए।

उसमे कुछ पसंद नही था लेकिन जो था वह थोडा थोडा जहाँ से जैसा, जितना मिल जाए समेटने की कोशिश कर उसके खालीपन को पूरा करने की फ़क़त कोशिश होती है, फिर भी तलब पूरी नहीं होती..

दरबदर, ढ़ूढ़ते हुए आदत पड़ जाती है तलब के साथ जीने की और फिर, देर सवेर वो रूह-छुआ मिल भी जाए, क्या फ़ायदा, अब तो उस बिन जीना आ गया..

कुत्ती सी चाह है यह, तलब

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Tuesday, 15 December 2015

देखो न..

देखो न, कुछ टूट सा गया है..
मेरा ख्याल भी, तुम्हारा दिन भर तंग करने का तरीका भी और वो गुलदस्ता जो चांदनी चौक में कुल्फी खाते वक़्त एक नज़र में भा गया था, और तुमने कनखियों से देख लिया था मुझे निहारते हुए, फिर बिना बोले कुछ, खरीद लिया, और मैंने भी कुछ ना बोला, रख लिया..

देखो ना, कुछ टूट गया है..
ठण्ड में अपने जैकेट में मेरे हाथ घुस लेने का तुम्हारा अंदाज़, ठंडी नाक देख कर झट सीने में घुसा लेने की आदत, फूक मार मार कर चाय पिलाने वाली बात और जनपथ की गलियों में पीठ पर लगाते हुए स्वेटर नापने की आदत..

देखो ना, यह चूड़ी भी चटक गई है,
अक्षरधाम के पुल पर गाडी रोक कर जो तुमने छल्ली और अमरुद खिलाए थे, छोटी सी लड़की जो चूड़ियां लेके आई थी, मोल भाव करके, तुमने मुझे पहनाई थी और फिर खुद ही दोनों हाथ पकड़ कर छनक देते थे, प्यार करते वक़्त, दोनों कलाइयों को भींच देते थे, कभी दोनों हथेलियों को पकड़ कर गालों पर चूम लेते थे..

देखो ना, कुछ टूट गया है,
तुम्हारा और मेरा साथ..

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Sunday, 29 November 2015

..because you left me in the pain. (Part 1)

"You love to do mistakes, don't you?" Said he, looking deep into her eyes while she stood quiet with pink eyes and opened lips.
"What did I do, now?"
He opened the buttons of her shirt and she stood still "mistake, yet another mistake".
He stripped her body naked and she hid her bossom with her long brown hair " so, would you punish me now?"
"Yes, I will."
Swallowing her saliva, she asked again, "...but I want to know, what is my mistake?"
He could feel the heaviness in her respiration, he could feel the struggle of her lips to breathe, he could feel the hesitation she had to show her body, he could feel the pain in her soul and he could feel the anger inside her.
"Why are you so angry?"
"Because I hate you."
"...but why? Why do you hate me?"
"Don't you know?" A tear rolled down her cheek, tear of anger and pain, of complaints, asking millions of questions seeking only one answer.
"Yes, I know." Kabeer tried to wipe her tear  but she threw his hand away. "Don't touch me" said she, sobbing, blocked nose. "Just.. don't"
It was a natural reaction of a woman, when she's hurt, she hurts. "Stop crying"
"Why do you care, you never cared, never loved, all you needed me to obey you, the way you want, and when I don't do the things you want, you hurt me. Why? Just because I loved you?"
"You hurt me too, you said a lot of things that made scars on me, you made me cry too, I didn't say anything to you, I tried to make things up, I did, but you never got over what happened between us" and kabeer held her head and kept on her chest, she stood sobbing, complaining, and close to kabeer.
The destination of mayuri ends at kabeer's chest, she could never think beyond him, never tried, never could, never wanted to. All she ever wanted was his touch, his presence, his smile and her name in his voice.
She felt peace, serene, and she grabbed kabeer as if she is not going to leave him ever, and the peace on kabeer's eyes was visible when he kept quiet, controlling his tears and the longing of years, the crave of every night and morning to touch her and make her sleep on his chest, her fights, her demands, and her face, to hold her face in his palms.
Her tiny round face, and big eyes, when she cries, her nose gets blocked and it troubles her the most, she forgets the issue of fights and all her melodramatic moment and deals with her blocked nose, which is kind of relief to kabeer, for a while but yes, her blocked nose is another big trouble, which she hates the most.
She's never going to grow up, and he never understood why did she love him so much. She never asked anything from him, was always happy in whatever he provided with but the only issue she had was - she could not get enough of him.
Mayuri calmed down and kept kabeer held tight, she was naked and kabeer was wearing all his clothes, he loved to see her naked, he had no idea why did he loved watching her naked body.
He could wait for hours without touching her in the same room but he juat wanted her to be naked, as if he wanted to capture her each mole in his eyes. He was obsessed to see her expressions on her face, her crave, her glittering wetness, and her uncomfortable face when he strips her in light, mayuri never liked making love in light, she hated it and she was never free in light and this awkwardness is loved by kabeer.
Mayuri tried to hide her body, her curves, with pillow, sometimes bedsheet, sometimes her long hair, but kabeer snatched all her clothes away and made her sit on the bed.
He went away from her and sat on the chair in front of her. She did not look into his eyes
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Saturday, 21 November 2015

नवम्बर में छुट्टी की दोपहर

उनके बालों में चांदी की तारें थी, लंबी सी नाक पर एक हल्का सा तिल, निचला होंठ मानो, खुद ही बहार झांकता हो, और बड़ी बड़ी भूरी आँखे।
चहरे पर कुछ दाग से थे, उनको एक टक लगा कर देखूं तो अटपटा से जाते थे, चहरे का रंग कुछ ज्यादा ही सांवला था और उनके सीने से मुझे कुछ ज्यादा ही प्यार था..
अंदर घुस के जैसे ही सोती, ठण्ड मानो गायब सी हो जाती, और मैं ऐसे उनकी बाहों में फिट हो जाती जैसे उन्ही के लिए बनी हूँ।
बिस्तर पर लेटे नहीं की भारी साँसे और खर्राटे शुरू, मुझे बाहों में यूँ कस लेते हैं की जरा सी तेज़ सांस लूँ तो नींद टूट जाए, सोच कर,मैं हिलती भी न थी..
मतलब सोचो, इंसान सोएगा कैसे गर इतनी ज़ोर खर्राटे कोई ले तो? फिर ज़रा सी करवट ली और भींच लिया और माथा, आँखे, नाक, होंठ, गाल चूम के फिर सो गए!
कभी कभी लगता है जैसे मैं कोई टेडी बेयर हूँ, और वो कोई पापा की लाड़ली प्रिंसेस, छोड़ते ही नहीं..

एक काँधे पर गाल लगाए और सीने पर हाथ रखे 20 मिनट हो गए थे बाबा राम देव के "आक्वार्ड आसान" की दम घोंटू मुद्रा में लेटे हुए, कान गर्म हो चुका था और उनका कन्धा भीग चुका था, बड़ी मुश्किल से मैंने अपनी टांग निकाली, तो वो हिल गए और नींद टूट गई।

क्या हुआ?
कुछ नही गर्मी लग रही है।
अच्छा, पानी दूँ, पंखा चलाऊँ, कुछ ठंडा पिओगी, अब ठीक है?
जी मैं ठीक हूँ
दो सेकंड रुक कर, पसीने में चिपकी मेरी लटों को कान के पीछे खोंस्ते हुए कबीर बोले, "गजब खूबसूरत हो यार, कौन सी चक्की का आटा खाती हो?"
मैंने मुंह पिचका के हाथ पर मारा, धत्त!
और उन्होंने हाथ पकड़ कर फिर खींच लिया..

छुट्टी की दोपहर कुछ ऐसी ही होती है..

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Saturday, 14 November 2015

what I do : PhD

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